Soumil M.
Photography by Jessica Pentel.
If you are reading this, continue to be yourself because you are not alone!
When I first came to The University, I lost myself.
In high school, I was riding a high of accomplishments. I made good grades, got into my dream school, spent four years with friends who would be there until the end of time, and made so many memories that were unforgettable. During those 4 years, my dreams were the root of so much happiness for me, and I lived every day with the goal of fulfilling these dreams. I was finally starting to see my progress in achieving them and creating amazing experiences along the way. Most importantly, I did all these things because I was true to myself in high school. I did things my way and enjoyed every moment. I lived for the highs and tolerated the lows regardless. This is what helped me to grow and thrive during my 4 years in high school.
First years--although I can’t say our experiences are anything close to similar, embrace the unique situation that binds you to your class. While I can’t say that I know exactly how you feel, I know I can relate to some of you when I say that when I first stepped onto Grounds I felt out of place. Coming from a super small high school, I felt like I just stepped into the middle of a storm that had blown in thousands of top-performing students from all over the world. This storm of feelings caused me to doubt my ability to make new friends, my ability to go outside of my comfort zone, and overall, these feelings changed who I was.
I went through the first weeks of school making it seem like everything was alright on the outside, but inside I was scared. I was losing hope and I tried to do things to fit in that didn’t reflect who I was or my goals. I went places with my hallmates every weekend trying to find myself, only to make excuses and come back home early because of feeling out of place. While I seemed happy to them on the outside, on the inside, I was being torn apart. My mental and physical health diminished quickly. In an effort to make things go my way, I rushed into decisions and did things I would not normally have otherwise done. My grades started to slip and there were times where I would just stay in my room for hours on end, trying to figure out what the f*ck I was doing here. I felt depressed, lonely and stressed everyday. I started to think, why didn’t I just go to a college where all my high school friends go? Why did I have to pick UVA? Why does it feel like I’m trying to start a new life? I went to class every day miserable. I put on a fake look every day just to please the people I was choosing to be around and I hated it.
It wasn’t until halfway through the semester that I found myself again. I decided that I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and change the situation before it changed me. I wanted to live my life with the same motivation and determination that I knew I was capable of. I realized then, that I didn’t need to fight this battle alone. I started to think back to high school and remembered that I bonded with best friends because of our similar interests. I joined two organizations where I felt comfortable in my own skin and was able to thrive because I wasn’t acting or changing who I was to fit in. Not everything is going to go your way, and I had to be okay with letting things happen naturally. I had to stop doing things that make me unhappy or uncomfortable. I forced myself to cope uncomfortably with fake smiles to make everything seem like it was alright for a little too long. I learned this the hard way and regret it to this day but I am who I am today because I realized that sometimes we need to be patient.
Many of my best friends today came from branching out and joining organizations. These friends continue to inspire me every day and help me to put my best foot forward. They show me that it is alright to struggle, as long as I learn from the difficult times and continue to keep pressing forward. I am living my best life now because I took a chance on myself and found who I was always meant to be. If you are reading this, I want you to know that I fought my battle by realizing that I am never alone. You are never alone. Take a chance and go find who you are meant to be.
Soumil M., University of Virginia
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