Alix N.
Photography by Sarah Tyner
Please note: In this letter, there is discussion of an eating disorder. If you think you may find this content triggering, please consider reading one of the other letters of IfYoureReadingThis.org, or prepare to access any support systems or resources you find helpful
If you’re reading this, know it’s ok to ask for help.
If you know me, you know I strive for perfection in just about everything I do. Whether it’s school, grades, sports, or work, I engage in all things to the absolute best of my ability. Even then, I push myself beyond my reaches to the highest level of success.
If you know me, you know I like to be in control of everything in my life. I plan and schedule and want to understand and know everything before anything happens, and when it does happen, it better be as planned.
If you know me, you know I am not a very emotional person. I view everything with a logical mind and greatly appreciate cut-and-dry situations. This is part of the reason why I am in engineering because I like the structure of a discipline where there is only one right answer.
If you don’t know me, that, at least, gives you a little insight into my life.
This spring, when everything got turned upside down, I went from being in control of everything to nothing. I suddenly had no routine, which threw me into a downward spiral, resulting in my eating becoming out of control. Struggling and out of options, I reached out to my doctor who directed me to a therapist and psychiatrist who diagnosed me with an eating disorder. Upon further conversations, my doctors determined I had even shown tendencies of this disorder as far back as 2 years ago, but I never recognized it until now.
Through many weeks of trial and error, I put together a team of specialists who have been helping me for the past few months trying to manage the uncertainties of life and teaching me how to channel it into healthy alternatives besides my eating. I have improved greatly from the point that I was at in April and May, however I still struggle frequently and managing everything constantly sits right at the top of my to-do list in my head.
All of the pieces that so strongly define me as I listed at the beginning of this letter have seemingly failed me. With this, I have no control, and I can’t be perfect. Asking for help and acknowledging this fault in me is one of the most challenging things I’ve done, but I would be in a much worse place today had I not done that. By asking for help, I took back control by taking a step towards recovery and getting my life back on track. Eating disorders don’t discriminate, but that’s ok, because it’s just one more thing that I will eventually be able to succeed at to the best of my ability. So if you’re reading this, know that it’s okay to ask for help because there are always people out there that will be there to support you and pick you back up when you stumble.
Alix N., Georgia Tech
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at GT on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to GT students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
