Annie B.
Photography by Sarah Tyner
Please note: In this letter, there is discussion of an eating disorder. If you think you may find this content triggering, please consider reading one of the other letters of IfYoureReadingThis.org, or prepare to access any support systems or resources you find helpful
If you’re reading this, you aren’t alone in the endless battle of being happy with yourself, both physically and mentally.
For some reason, affirmations or insults about my appearance sit deeper than those about my personality, intelligence, success, or anything else. Sometimes, when you feel like you lack in nearly all of these categories in some way, it’s easy to pick a single one to focus on (or obsess over).
Every day I wake up I look at myself in the mirror… and then again in the bathroom, before the shower, after the shower, before I work out, after I work out, before bed, and probably 10 more times in between. The other day, one of these countless times, I decided to try on all of my jeans. None of them fit. I think everyone has had this moment at one point or another, whether the cause is the college lifestyle catching up to you, quitting a sport, or resorting too often to food as comfort. I’ve had my fair share of these devastating moments, but this time was a bit different. This time there was a gap at the waist of all my jeans where they used to fit me, probably too tightly. For many people, this would be an amazing feeling of finally achieving a particular look or dream weight on the scale. For me, I felt hopeless. A year ago I looked in the same mirror wearing the same jeans; however, at that time I could barely button them and felt like I was suffocating. Shockingly, I wasn’t satisfied this time either, and I still felt like I was suffocating.
For most of college, I have worked out excessively but still feel like I could do more. I’ve watched everything I eat, and regretted eating anyways. And every time I walk by my mirror, I can come up with something I wish I could change. Reality is, I’ll never fully approve of what I see in that mirror. I could wake up tomorrow with everything I ‘wish’ for, and odds are I’d still find something wrong. In fact, the girl who I imagine to have this “perfect” body probably ridicules herself too.
Body image is an extremely toxic and challenging subject, especially at this age. Ignoring the pressure we put on ourselves, there remains constant pressure from others, social media, and celebrities about what YOU should look like. The worst part about this illusion is precisely that – it is an illusion. Most of us will never be able to achieve that unrealistic set of standards, and because of that, we consider ourselves less than, unworthy, and hopeless.
I have never talked to anyone about having an eating disorder or body dysmorphia, because I never thought it was an issue for me. Unfortunately, I thought this was “normal” – and unfortunately this IS normal for far too many people. I’ve never been to rehab, I still eat (very strictly), I don’t purge every time I touch food (only every now and then). I don’t check off any of those boxes presented by a doctor or therapist as a sign of a major issue. Therefore, I’m working on my mental health on my own.
Since realizing this is something I need to accept and want to change, one of the biggest steps I have taken is (trying to) lower expectations for myself. I believe we all tend to hold ourselves to higher standards than we do anyone else, and I have realized that doing this is not only unfair but will constantly result in disappointment. You should never feel like you have to go through something alone. Although opening up to others can be uncomfortable and intimidating, asking for help may ultimately be the thing that helps you take that first step forward.
If you’re reading this, you don’t need to fit a certain set of specifications to have something wrong. And you certainly do not need to fit a certain set of standards for how you look in order to be worthy. You aren’t alone, and by writing this, I hope I can assure someone of that.
Annie B., Georgia Tech
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