Malia S.

Photography by Jessica Pentel.

If you're reading this, you have somebody.

Earlier this spring, amidst the adjustments of quarantine, I would occasionally have days or maybe weeks when I didn't feel like myself. I wasn't sure what I was feeling most of the time. I was in one of those "funks".  I just knew I felt different--a little less like myself. 

Near the end of July, the days I didn't feel like myself started to outnumber the days that I did. It was and still is hard to put a finger on exactly what I felt or didn't feel, but I remember a feeling of purposelessness and from that unworthiness. A lot of the things that I had unknowingly put my identity into were taken away or changed due to the pandemic. Although I was not doing much in quarantine, I felt like I needed to hit pause and separate myself from all of the feelings I couldn't explain. 

One night, about a week before classes started, I was feeling sad and fearful but I couldn't particularly trace or identify the root of those feelings. I ended up texting a friend about how I was doing, and although I didn't know what I was feeling or what I wanted/needed to feel better, she came and just sat in the feelings with me. As I began to try to put words to my past and current feelings I was met with comfort, care, and understanding even when I had only tears and not words. I was amazed by how my friend could put words to a lot of my feelings that even I could not because of her personal experiences. From her own perspective and with her wisdom, she provided me empathy, encouragement, and advice that I didn't know I needed.

As the fall semester began, I realized that I would not be able to carry the weight of my mental health on my own. I also realized that I did not have to. There were people and services at UVA who genuinely wanted to be there for me and carry that weight with me--I just had to believe that and let them.

 As I started to open up to close friends, housemates, parents, and CAPS about how I was really feeling, I was met with love, understanding, and support that was beyond what I could have ever asked for. I got to experience firsthand the power and beauty of bringing our whole selves to light and to others. As I opened up to people about how I was struggling and what I was feeling, I was struck by how many people were in similar situations, but none of us knew about each other’s pain. 

 I think our brains are wired to tell us that when we are struggling what we feel is uncommon or abnormal.  I want and need you to know that you are so much less alone than you think you are and it is normal. As I spoke with friends, I was able to see that we had been walking right next to one another in our anxieties, sadness, and stresses without even realizing it. Once we realized that someone else was thinking and feeling in similar ways and understood, we were able to walk together--carrying one another's burdens and providing support, encouragement, or sometimes just company along the way.

Being vulnerable and honest, especially about ourselves and our struggles, is hard, but it is so worth it. I can't tell you that you will never hurt, but I promise that you have somebody through the hurt. There is somebody who can and wants to walk with you in your journey. Maybe that person needs you to be their somebody too.

If you aren't sure who that is, it's nice to meet you, my name is Malia, and I would love to be your somebody.

Malia S., University of Virginia

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