Scarlett V.
Photography by Aneesa Wermers
If you’re reading this, know that you’re enough.
The feeling of being enough is one of the most powerful things, and it’s okay if your journey to it is difficult. For many years, I struggled with the notion that I wasn’t enough. Wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t pretty enough, wasn’t funny enough. Constantly reaching for this imaginary goal that I believed would make me happy. I thought that I could only love myself if I was the perfect version of me: the perfect student, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend. And with that I would get angry if I messed up. I remember staring at myself in the mirror, filled with self hatred that my stomach wasn’t flat or that I missed an easy point on an exam. Picking apart every flaw, outwards and inwards, until I was a shell of the person I once knew.
With this constant self depreciation, I lost a crucial aspect of life: being human. I was turning myself into a robotic version of a person. Not allowing myself to make any mistakes. I got drunk off of validation, and crumbled at criticism. Crying for hours on end if I got a bad grade, and refusing to look at myself in the mirror because I hated what looked back at me. The expectations I set for myself were too high, and I was constantly grappling with the feeling of failure.
Consequently, I started to have a huge increase in my anxiety. I somehow thought that the standards I set for myself were the same ones that others set for me. I would have panic attacks if my clothes didn’t look right because I thought everyone would judge me for it. I would shake with anxiety before speaking in class because I thought everyone would think I was stupid. I would cry myself to sleep if I got a bad grade because I thought it meant I wouldn’t get into college. The place I was in mentally was painful, and it was taking a toll on me.
If you’re in that spot now I hear you, and I’m here for you. It took me a long time to realize I wanted to go to therapy- my anxiety was getting so bad I could barely sleep and I was losing my hair. I didn’t realize what was causing all of that until I opened up and looked at what I was doing to myself. You would never hold someone else to those expectations, so why are you doing it to yourself?
Building a relationship with yourself is one of the most difficult yet rewarding things to do. I remember crying in my room from happiness one day because for the first time in a long time, I was content with myself. Through all the darkness I finally saw a light. And if you’re reading this, you can too. I know it sounds hard, but try to get to know yourself better. Even though it sounds strange, I had no idea who I was. Take yourself out on dates, do activities solely for you, and most of all be forgiving. Be forgiving of your mistakes, of your changing body, of your changing goals. Love fiercely and unconditionally, and permit yourself to feel all emotions. Being human is an amazing thing, allow yourself to be one.
So if you’re reading this, know that everyone’s journey is not the same. Everyone's journey is not linear. There are days where I struggle, and I feel like I’m right back in high school, paralyzed by fear at not living up to my own expectations. Then there’s days where I acknowledge how far I’ve come, where I feel a love for myself that was so foreign four years ago. You deserve to be here, and you deserve love. It’s natural to have moments of self-doubt, but know that you’re enough and that you’re not alone.
Scarlett V. (she/her), Boston College
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