Katherine D.
Photography by Aneesa Wermers
Please note: In this letter, I discuss my experience with an eating disorder. If you think you may find this content triggering, I encourage you to read one of the other letters on IfYoureReadingThis.org, or prepare to access any support systems or resources you find helpful.
If you’re reading this, you are beautiful.
Control was something that I felt I lost in my freshman year of college. I felt powerless. I had three random roommates, I was trying to navigate my new classes and get the hang of living on my own. All while trying to make new friends. Everyone always tells you that college is the best four years of your life and that the time flies by. But at least in my experience, no one told me how challenging it can be. It’s a BIG transition. I would often find myself looking around, everyone else looked so happy, but even with the few new friends I had made, I felt alone a lot of the time.
As I continued through my first semester of college, I quickly felt myself losing more and more control. I also found myself trying to be someone who I wasn’t in order to make new friends. I was quickly losing myself. Endicott College is a small, private, predominantly white university, so I often found myself surrounded by rich, blonde supermodels. I would sit in my classes and realize that I was the only non-white person. When I went to parties, many of the girls had tiny figures and were wearing very revealing tops. I would find myself looking at myself in the mirror wishing that I looked more like my white classmates. At Endicott, blonde and white felt like the beauty standard, and I did not fit that. Part of me slowly realized that since I couldn’t become blonde and white overnight, the one thing I did have control over was my body. At this point I felt hopeless and that I had lost control over everything else, so I may as well control this. I was in control over what I ate and how often I exercised.
In the beginning, the control felt good. I felt like I was back in the driver’s seat in at least one aspect of my life. But very, VERY quickly I traveled down a very dangerous path. I began restricting my food intake immensely, consuming very little at my lowest point. I would wake up at 6am every morning and walk across campus in the dark so that I could burn some calories before I met my friends at the dining hall for breakfast. For some people, exercising in the morning is a healthy habit, but for me it was an obligation, and even for a while, a punishment. I would find myself doing body checks in the mirror in my dorm room, constantly comparing myself to my roommates. After a few months of these extremely unhealthy behaviors, I finally reached out to my mom for help. I am extremely fortunate to have an incredible relationship with my mom. I knew after one phone call to my mom, I was in good hands and she would get me the help I needed. Within a few days I was at an appointment with my doctor who set me up with a therapist and a nutritionist. For the first few weeks, treatment was extremely difficult and scary. Admitting to my mom I had a problem was one thing, but now I had to face professionals.
After working with my amazing team of my therapist, nutritionist, and doctor I have slowly come to realize that my eating disorder developed because of two main reasons: the desire for control and the beauty standards that I was surrounded with. As I continue to work on myself, I may realize that there are other reasons, but as of right now that is what I have concluded. I hope sharing my story makes you realize college can be hard, asking for help isn’t always easy but definitely worth it, and last but not least, I hope this story makes you realize that you are beautiful.
Katherine D., Boston College
School of Social Work
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