Abby T.

Photography by Dominick Fini

If you’re reading this, be proud of and celebrate your existence. 

This may seem like a simple or obvious thing to say, but the importance and difficulty of existing, especially during one’s college years, tends to be overlooked and dismissed. It shouldn’t be, particularly for those who have been dealt a less than desirable hand. 

If typical students swim through their college years, those with mental illnesses may barely tread water. Add a debilitating chronic illness on top of that, and you might as well be at the bottom of the pool with a sack of bricks tied to your feet. This is where I found myself entering college in 2020, and still, in many ways, find myself to this day.

While depression and anxiety are confirmed medical facets of my life, my chronic illness remains undiagnosed. However, despite the cause being uncertain, the effect is clear– my stomach is a wreck, causing me immense on and off pain that comes suddenly and without warning. Imagine the feeling of food poisoning, except it never really goes away, and there is no clear cause or cure. After over 14 years of testing, one of the few things doctors can agree on is that stress and depressive thoughts make my symptoms worse. Awesome!

Being chronically ill on top of mentally ill is not something I was prepared for at the start of my college career. It is one thing to deal with the mental exhaustion of school but still be able to physically function. It is another thing to feel depressed, anxious, and also incredibly sick, all while trying to work up the energy to start a paper due in an hour. 

Very simple tasks like waking up in the morning, eating lunch, and sitting through lectures tend to take up way more energy and attention for me than they do for my friends. Social events are more draining than they are fun. On bad days, the best I can do is try and convince myself that it is worth it to keep going despite the pain I am in. This, I find, is the most exhausting and shameful battle of them all.

Yet, despite all of the extra hoops I have to go through just to get through a normal day of college, I still find that I beat myself up when I hear my friends talk about the various internships and amazing accomplishments they have recently achieved. “Why can’t I be interning for [insert famous doctor] and studying abroad in [insert attractive European destination],” I ask while I curl up on the bathroom floor because it is one o’clock in the morning and I can’t move without wanting to throw up. “I should be involved with more clubs and take extra research credits!” I quietly scold myself while I sort through and organize the 12 pills I have to take every morning, afternoon, and night. “I’m at UVA… shouldn’t I be living up to the potential that I have here?” I wonder as I ignore all of the progress I HAVE made and focus on everything else I haven’t done. It has taken three years for me to recognize that all of these “should be’s” are not my reality right now, and that is ok.

I am now trying to learn to be proud of myself by my own standards. I am reaching out to more friends and being honest about my pain. I am recovering, even if that recovery is not entirely linear. I am going to class as much as I can, and improving my communication with professors when I am sick. I may not be interning for a corporate powerhouse, but I am prioritizing my health and that is just as amazing.

So, if you’re reading this, please know that you are allowed to simply exist during your college years, and that is enough. You do not need to justify your presence at school by involving yourself in every club, internship, and credit that comes your way, ESPECIALLY if you are already dealing with other issues. Your health and well-being will always come first, and I hope you will learn from this letter to celebrate prioritizing these facets of yourself above all else.

Abby T. (she/her), University of Virginia ‘24

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