Tanya S.
Photography by Caroline MacLaren
If you’re reading this, I hope you believe me when I say I’ve been there and I’m here to encourage you to keep fighting.
Most people see me as a happy girl. Someone who is always smiling. Someone who has so many friends and people who love her. Someone who knows how to pick other people up. Someone who makes other people feel seen. What some people don't know is that I’m also the person that struggles more than I show.
I've had days where I felt suffocated by the weight of my anxiety and depression. I’ve had days where I’ve felt so alone, I felt like it wouldn’t matter if I went to sleep and never woke up. I've had the passing and active thoughts of wondering what life would be like if I wasn't here tomorrow. During my bad days, it's so hard to find the energy to believe I’m loved and I have people who truly care about me. It's not that I don't want to believe it; it's my anxiety telling me the people around me don't truly love me because there’s nothing about me worth loving. It’s going days without receiving a text from anyone and wondering if I’m just a burden in people’s lives. Most days I know I'm loved, but that doesn't mean I always believe it.
Some days are better than others. Some days I feel like a superhero and I’m on top of the world. I feel like I can handle anything the world throws at me. Then some days I can’t find a reason to get out of bed and I’m exhausted. It's so exhausting to have to fight your own mind, something that’s always with you no matter where you go. When I tell people I'm tired, it's hard to tell them it’s because my intrusive thoughts kept me up, not homework, studying, or because it’s that point in the semester. And it’s frustrating. The good days make me question if I’m faking needing help and my bad days make me wonder if I’ve made any progress. I have and you can and will too.
A setback doesn't erase all the progress you've made. It's a process and it’s okay not to be okay. When I can’t bring myself to reach out for help, I meditate or I journal or I make a voice recording and pretend that I am talking to someone just to get the emotions out. I’ve found people to help deal with my challenges, even though I don’t always remember them when my anxiety and depression take over. They tell me the same things I will tell you:
You are so worthy and deserving of love regardless of whatever makes you feel like you don’t deserve it. You matter so much more than you realize. There are people who love you more than you will ever know. Someone would miss you if you suddenly weren’t here tomorrow. You’re doing amazing, whether you believe it or not. You are more than enough. You are not a burden.
Many of us are struggling in different ways. We all have different things we’re carrying but it doesn’t mean what you’re carrying isn’t heavy. No matter what you’re dealing with, there may be someone who has it worse but that doesn’t mean what you’re dealing with isn’t valid and isn’t something heavy to carry. You’re not meant to carry everything on your own. No matter your struggle or your thoughts, everything about you is more than enough. Your feelings are valid.
I know it’s hard to reach out when you’re struggling. There are days when I wish someone, anyone, would reach out and check-in, especially when I can’t do it for myself. I’m not perfect but I’ve been on both sides. I’m the person who needs someone to listen and the person who will listen and stay up with you for as long as it takes, as many times as you need. Please remember you are not alone and someone will be there to catch you, no matter how many times you fall.
If you’re reading this, I hope you find someone to reach out to and I hope you feel valid. Or I hope you reach out and listen.
Tanya S., Villanova University
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