PJ D.
Photography by Caroline MacLaren
If you’re reading this, there’s no easy way to talk about this.
Sitting here now, I’m realizing that this is probably going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but it is beyond necessary. There’s no formal or easy way to tell people that for a long period of time you couldn’t find the motivation to get out of bed, or that some nights you wished you’d never wake up, or even that you just felt like a waste of space. But honestly, it's the difficult conversations that need to happen the most.
Growing up I had absolutely no idea what mental health was or how to even make sure I was mentally healthy, until it was too late. All at once I lost all motivation to do anything, lost all sense of self, and I had no idea where to even begin to get better. So, I did the only thing I knew how to do, shut myself off from the rest of the world and put on a smile. If something’s broken, what do you do? You fix it, right? But what if it keeps breaking time after time? Eventually, you get tired of trying to fix it, come to terms with the fact that you’re going to have to get rid of it, and you give up on it. In a way that’s what I did to myself because I felt that no matter how many times I tried to fix the way I felt, it always came right back. No one wants damaged goods, so why would they want me? Every second alone felt like an eternity filled with a million thoughts of self doubt and hatred. Whether it was driving, working, homework, or any normal thing in life I needed to be constantly distracted from what I was feeling. I constantly hated the way I felt about myself but continuously had no idea at all on how to change it or help myself. The deeper I felt I was slipping into this hole the more friends I lost, the more I struggled to find happiness in the things I once loved, and the more I felt that there was no fixing me.
All it took was a simple text from someone who cared looking to catch up that set me on the right path. Even though I didn’t open up about how I was feeling, knowing that someone still cared about me pushed me to begin to open up and to actively search for a way to fight this feeling. I realized that even though it was difficult to talk about, it made things so much better not only for me but the relationships in my own life. Where I originally thought opening up and leaning on those around me would drive people away, it did the exact opposite and brought the people I needed most to the surface. You will never find the root of the issue by pretending it doesn’t exist, and you will never find what works for you without even trying.
Having these conversations about mental health, and most importantly your mental health, are never easy. There is no right way to tell someone and it always seems as if there is a shortage of words to describe how you feel, but you have to start somewhere to get to where you need to be. A simple explanation of I’m not okay opens the conversation to dig deeper and find the help that best suits your needs. It isn’t a pointless conversation because it is difficult, it's probably that much more important because it is difficult. But most importantly I learned that there is still beauty to be found in the broken. Kintusgi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold, and sea glass can only be formed through broken glass smoothed out by the turbulent sea. So whether you are able to find what holds you together, or you find ways to soften your edges, there is always beauty and value in what one person may deem broken. You may not be able to see it at first, but I can promise you the people who love and care about you do.
PJ D., Villanova University
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at Villanova on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to Villanova students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
