Robert C.
Photo by Cassie English
If you are reading this, things change.
I know it might not feel like it has but just take a moment. A few years ago, any conversation put you in a cold sweat. Even the thought of leaving your room made you sick. You could always feel your heart pounding and your knees going weak. Through all of this, your friends kept asking you to spend time with them, but you couldn’t. At least that was what you always said.
You couldn’t go out. Every single time was exhausting. Just imagining it, you could see how uncomfortable it would be. You see dozens of scenarios of making yourself the fool. The stillness of your room was such an easy choice. Eventually, it felt like the only choice. You had said no so often that you stopped getting invited out.
One day, you got fed up with everything. The stillness of your room got old. You were exhausted from feeling sick every time you went out. You were tired of feeling discarded in plans. Fatigued of ruminating on every single interaction.
You felt disconnected from what you really wanted. You wanted to be a doctor. You wanted to be social. You also wanted to be happy.
You kept going because you wanted things to be different. You would turn to books. You realized your friends had never left, but were waiting for you to be ready. You found an amazing therapist to help work through everything.
At times, it felt like you’d never change. But you learned so much, especially about yourself. Over the next few years, you will do things you thought you were never meant to do or would want to do. A part of you will even come to enjoy them.
Occasionally, you’ll find reminders of the past. Maybe you just got asked to speak in front of a crowd of around 300 people. You’ll feel that rush with your heart racing and maybe your body even trembling. But this time it feels different. It feels foreign. It has been so long since you felt that way.
It will just remind you of how far you have come. It’s no longer a daily struggle. After all, you’re just a few weeks from graduation. You’ve given so many presentations. You’ve probably talked to hundreds of people, maybe even a thousand.
In the end, you only have reminders of how things change and how you have changed.
Robert C., Arizona State University
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