Vern C.
Photography by Ashley Kung
If you’re reading this, know that I am holding you close in my heart.
If you are reading this, know that I am holding you close in my heart. Holding all parts of you, even the parts you are not yet ready to share. Holding the parts of you that you have yet to learn to love. Know that my heart has space for all of you, until your heart also has space for them again. Take your time, there is no rush.
My heart once felt too small to hold all my parts. The parts that wanted to be loved competed with the parts that wanted to be perfect. The parts that wished to live without expectations were cornered by the parts that were solely fueled by judgment. I will not lie, taking in all the complex facets of myself was work and took patience. I had suffered many nights of insomnia trying to convince myself I was only one particular way. Then, one night I had a thought, all my life I had assumed that if I only “achieved” the next thing (do well in school, get into grad school, get a job, work my way up, get married, buy a car, buy a house, etc.) then I can be whole…that I was a jigsaw puzzle missing a piece. But what if I’m actually a Rubik’s cube. I am complex, but I am whole. That is my mantra. A mantra I had developed after I had taken a deep dive into my practice of yoga.
Yoga started out as a physical practice that helped me reset from my day. To quiet the cacophony of doubts and worries that sprouted in my mind like dust that dances in sun beams no matter how much you vacuum. Yoga taught me to first listen to my breath, which then helped me listen to my mind, then after many years bring my mind to listen to my heart. My mind is still very noisy, like an outdoor market on a weekend afternoon, but I now have more patience for the noise. More importantly I know the noise well enough that I can start to hear all the various layers of it, making space for all of me. In turn I found a community of people who also made space for me to arrive in my fullest self.
My sweet friend, you too are complex, but you are whole. You are allowed to cry a thousand tears, laugh as loud as thunder, worry till the cows come home, change your mind a million and one times, be a labyrinth that only you can wind your way through. I am here for you, to behold your complexity. My heart is here for you to take refuge, find rest when it all seems too overwhelming, but I trust that one day your heart will find that each facet of you shines brightly like crystals under the sun. You are that sun. You make all of YOU shine. It may not always seem like it, because even the brightest of all suns encounter cloudy days. The clouds will pass, your sun will shine, and once again you will be the incredible light show of your very own heart and soul.
So, if you are reading this, know that I am holding you close, close in my heart. All the parts of you because you are complex, but you are whole.
From the depths of my heart, and light of my soul, I wish you nothing but peace, love, and happiness, to the past you, to the future you, but most of all to the present you.
Until next time,
Vern C., University of Florida
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