Grace H.
Photography by Sarah Tyner
Dear Reader,
Trisha’s letter describes her personal journey with an eating disorder and anxiety and we advise those who may be triggered by these topics to exercise caution when reading this letter. If you are struggling please reach out to our Peer Contacts or one of the resources listed on our Resources Page.
Sincerely, The IfYoureReadingThis Team
I wasn’t actually diagnosed with general anxiety disorder until I was in college, but looking back, there were so many little things I used to do that make it clear that it was always there. Anxiety is a weird feeling; sometimes I can physically feel it in my hands and stomach, and other times it’s this overwhelming sense of fear. Sometimes I’m aware that I’m overreacting but I just can’t figure out how I could possibly slow down my thoughts or calm my emotions. Sometimes I feel defeated because things that should be simple seem to require so much more effort than normal. Sometimes I feel so trapped in my own head and wonder when I’ll be able to feel okay again.
When I was in high school, I started to realize that my reactions to certain situations were much more extreme than they should be, and when I was finally diagnosed with anxiety, I honestly felt really relieved. Something that I had always just thought of as just a flaw in my personality was actually a medical disorder and now that I was aware of that, I could start learning how to handle it. Anxiety can impact almost every aspect of a person’s life, but for me, my anxiety attacked my confidence the most. From the time I was in 6th grade, I struggled with disordered eating. I had the MyFitnessPal app and I would count every single calorie (even things like gum and vitamins). If I went over my daily limit by even a few calories, I would freak out and promise myself I’d eat less the next day. This behavior resulted in a cycle of under-eating leading to binging. I never felt like I was good enough, and for a long time I placed my entire self worth in how I looked. Throughout high school, I struggled with binge eating disorder and I’ve also struggled with bulimia during college. Eating disorders don’t have a look or a size; they can truly affect anyone. My weight has fluctuated over the past couple of years and it was really hard for me to face the fact that people treated me so much better when I was skinnier. The fact that I’ve always been the same me on the inside but suddenly people liked me so much more because I looked different on the outside really fucking hurt. It’s still a constant struggle to feel good enough in my body, but I know that I’m strong and I’ve learned that it’s more important to focus on what my body does for me and less on how it looks physically. My brain can only hold so much information at once, and constantly worrying about calories and how I look and what my next meal will be takes away valuable mental space from things that actually make me happy. Progress isn’t linear, and to anyone struggling with an eating disorder, you are worthy of help, and it WILL get better.
Learning how to live with anxiety has been interesting because even though I’m aware that the way I’m feeling is just my anxiety, I still FEEL it. It’s interesting to think about how the way my brain chooses to process the things that happen to me can determine my entire mood. I’ve realized that it is SO important to cherish and appreciate the happy moments because perspective can really change everything. One fun night with friends can leave me feeling happy for days, the same as how one failed test can have me depressed for a week. There are some days when positivity comes easily, and there are other days when I feel like I have to make a conscious effort to keep myself from having a panic attack. Some days you just need to be alone and cry, and that’s okay too (crying can be fun!!!). For a while I went to a therapist and thought I was finally happy, so I stopped going. Unfortunately, you can’t just ‘turn happy.’ Your mental health will always be a work in progress, so it’s important to continue to devote time to taking care of yourself and to learning what makes you feel better.
Sometimes I feel guilty for struggling so much with my mental health. I really do have a good life, so why do I still feel this way? To be honest, I really don’t know, but the moral is that that’s okay. I’ve started going to therapy again and I’m honestly really relieved about it. I truly think that everyone should try therapy at least once, even if you feel like your problems don’t warrant it. Talking through your issues with a third party feels SO good and it’s a truly liberating feeling to let out everything you’ve kept bottled up. No one should feel like they need to hide their problems for fear of being a burden. It can be difficult to grasp, but one of the most important aspects of mental health is recognizing that you DESERVE to feel better. You deserve help, and you deserve to love yourself. Things will get better.
Grace H., Georgia Tech
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