Caroline L.
Photography by Caroline MacLaren
Please note: In this letter, there is discussion of an eating disorder. If you think you may find this content triggering, please consider reading one of the other letters of IfYoureReadingThis.org, or prepare to access any support systems or resources you find helpful.
If you're reading this, never feel guilty or ashamed for needing help.
Whether it be help with your math homework, carrying things up the stairs, or a shoulder to lean on, doing everything alone simply isn’t possible. In my case, I needed a bit more help than this.
In my junior year of high school, I walked around the halls with baggy leggings looking sickeningly pale, both of which were achingly obvious signs of my eating disorder.
Having an eating disorder changed my life in many ways, with one of the most significant effects being the guilt complex I developed. By this, I mean the constant feeling of guilt that lived inside of me for something I couldn’t control. I felt guilty for everything my ED did to derail my life and the lives of my friends and family. My eating disorder got me into screaming fights with my parents, racked up the medical bills, iced out all my friends, and sent out a wave of awkward silence when I walked into a room.
Having a mental health disorder not only happens to you but to the people who love you the most.
This thought was painfully present in my mind each day and night, as I could not shake the blame and shame which I placed upon myself for the havoc I wreaked. I constantly felt myself wondering “how and why are my loved ones so willing to help”? and “why does it have to be me”? Each time I saw my therapist or nutritionist, my thoughts went straight to the bill my parents would be receiving and I was wishing I could spare them the money. I was suffocated by the weight of knowing my family was devoting their time, energy, and money on me and my treatment instead of the hundreds of other things they could be used for.
Looking back now, I am realizing it is because they love me just as much, if not more, as I love them. Placing myself in their shoes, I would do absolutely anything for the people I love, so why would it be different the other way around?
If I have learned anything from being in recovery and becoming more comfortable talking about my eating disorder, it is how common they are. I am one of millions who have and continue to struggle and need help. This realization made me understand that my mindset must be shifted from guilt to gratitude; for all of the people in my life who would sacrifice anything to be there for me.
Despite the powerful feeling of being an imposition, it is important to constantly remind yourself that the people in your life want to be there for you and see you thrive. Our society praises the image of strength and being able to accomplish anything on your own when in reality it is never that simple. In the hyper-competitive world, we live in, nobody wants to expose their vulnerability which makes it that much more difficult to ask for the help everybody needs and deserves.
My mom has always said to me that a parent is only as happy as their saddest child, and after watching my family go through my eating disorder, I have never believed this more. My experience with my ED, depression and anxiety is not something I would wish upon anyone, but I will be forever grateful for the personal growth it gave rise to and for the realization that I am surrounded by people who love me. For everyone out there who is struggling and needs help, never feel guilty or ashamed to ask for it because you are so loved, and there are so many people out there who would drop everything to be there for you.
Caroline L., Villanova University
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