Berkeley

Photography by Margeaux Edwards

If you’re reading this, it’s okay if all the energy you have is put into surviving.

I spent the majority of my young life trying to push past my mental threshold. Either people pleasing or just doing more than I could handle. I never wanted to be perceived as weak or not enough. I easily understood the concept of empathy for others; “She’s been through a lot, it’s okay to take time off”; “He has so much on his plate, it’s understandable that he wants to drop some hobbies”; “They do so much for others always. I hope they find time for themselves.” However, I was always the epitome of easier said than done. 

My earliest memory of dealing with anxiety and depression is in the 6th grade. I was overwhelmed with my activities, stressing about my not-so-upcoming future, and I had problems at home. Even with thousands of weights on my chest, I still found myself trying to do more: join more clubs, do more for my friends, and be an exemplary human. I saw the bad in other people’s lives and I never felt as if I was valid in hurting. This harmful cycle lasted until very recently. 

I hit an intense case of “gifted kid burnout” in my sophomore year. I was struggling with all the previously mentioned hardships, and on top of that, I was dealing with my eating disorder, even more family issues, sexual assault trauma, and now this impending feeling of doom and exhaustion. It was inescapable. I worked myself so far into a hole that every day felt like pulling teeth. I didn’t recognize myself, my parents didn’t know how to help me, my teachers saw the loss of passion and eagerness, my childhood best friend felt incapable and useless, and worst of all, I didn’t care about any of it. I just wanted to sleep, all day, every single day. 

I came to the realization one day that I had been over-taxing myself when my calculus teacher had put a paper on my desk, an easy everyday assignment, and I just started to sob. Uncontrollably. At this point in my life, I began finding a pausing point in drugs and alcohol. It led to me overdosing during class one day. It was the lowest point in my life. 

During my time off from school, I took time to center myself. To realize that a human being can only do so much, can only use so much of themselves. I took this newfound knowledge into a new concept: self-granted empathy. Now on days when I feel like the world is crumbling, I know that taking a pause is understandable, especially when this is the step I need to take to keep myself alive. 

Wherever you are, whoever you are, whatever you’ve done with your life, please understand you are one human, with one body, with one mind. Be kind and patient with yourself. Think of everything you have gotten yourself through. Be proud and be grateful. Everyone gets a happy ending, if you’re not happy, it’s not your ending.

Berkeley, Washington State University

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