Trisha D.
Photography by Ally Szabo
Please note: In this letter, there is discussion of suicidal ideation, depression, and anxiety. If you think you may find this content triggering, please consider reading one of the other letters of IfYoureReadingThis.org, or prepare to access any support systems or resources you find helpful.
If you're reading this, it’s okay to have setbacks in the healing process.
February. It is typically my favorite month of the year. It is the shortest month, a mere twenty-eight days that celebrates love, the last month of winter, and the last month where the sun sets at 5 P.M. However, last February, the month that was supposed to feel the shortest, felt like the absolute longest. It seemed like every day in February brought a new obstacle, a new challenge, and a new reason to stop fighting.
I felt myself spiraling deeper and deeper into a hole I knew that would feel impossible to climb my way out of. I was ashamed of how I felt. I thought I had overcome my depression and anxiety. I thought the constant intrusive thoughts in my head were long gone and that I had finally found the light at the end of the tunnel. It seemed like I was back at square one and I began to find comfort in my depression. I began to think that waking up every morning shaking and in disarray was my new normal. Feeling so low that I couldn't get out of bed or eat a full meal started to become the only familiar thing in my life. Reaching out for help made me feel like I was too weak to handle anything on my own. Eventually, it all came to be too much and on February 23rd, I decided I wanted to end my life. Through a pure coincidence, my phone rang, and it was my mom calling me to make sure I made it to my 11:30 theology class. I felt like I was jolted back into reality.
Before I could sink further, I realized I couldn’t get through this on my own. I knew the only way out was to reach out and ask for help, regardless of the shame and guilt I felt for my feelings. Healing is not a linear process. It is full of high peaks, plateaus, and low valleys. While it felt futile to accept that, it was the truth.
As I slowly began to climb myself out of the dark hole I was in, I began to realize that my shame and guilt were rooted in a narrowing, false view of my reality. I began to find people who I felt truly loved and cared for by. I no longer felt the pit in my stomach that weighed me down. Smiling stopped a fake nicety, it began to feel genuine again.
If you're reading this, it is okay to have setbacks in the healing process. Normalize the idea that healing in one straight line is unrealistic. The healing process is nowhere near linear and reaching out for help is the opposite of weakness. If anything, asking for help emphasizes the perseverance of an individual.
Trisha D., Villanova University
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