Anonymous

Photography by Jackson Covert

If you’re reading this, remember to check on your smiley friends.

Most people probably know me from my bubbly personality or the girl that sings, but there's a lot that people don't know and would probably never guess. I love to write. I have been writing songs since I was 12, and I am getting my degree in Journalism, English, and Songwriting. The reason I love writing so much is because we forget how much of an impact our words can have on people. But, it is hard to be so vulnerable and open up about the most intimate parts of ourselves. However, I have found that sharing my story and helping other people through their pain, in turn, has helped me heal. So, here we go.

I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't have anxiety. From the time I was 6 years old, I can remember feeling nauseous as a panic attack set in. My anxiety got especially bad after my parents got divorced and I started high school. Everything in my life was changing, and I didn't really know who I was anymore. Looking in the mirror, I couldn’t recognize myself. I was never this “weak.” I never previously cared what people thought or said about me. Since the divorce, I honestly thought that no one would ever love me; that I was incapable of being loved. I would shake at night due to my panic attacks and convince myself I needed to throw up so I didn't have to go to school. From being the girl in all the advanced classes in middle school to almost failing freshman year geometry, it was clear there was a problem deeper than just teenage angst, so my mom decided it was time to see a doctor.

In 2016, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and secondary depression. I wasn't necessarily surprised with my results, but also I didn't want to face the truth or admit I had problems. It’s hard to explain my feelings, but I just wanted to be better without having to recognize my mental illness or taking any steps to help heal my pain. After a long battle of going on and off my medication, I finally told myself that I wanted to get better and started taking my medication daily. 

If any of you have struggled with mental illness in any form, you have definitely had people tell you, “You’re just asking for attention." I struggled a lot with this in high school and don't think people understand the gravity of those words. I already felt different because of my illness, but then felt shut down by people when I did talk about my struggles. It was never easy for me to admit "I am depressed.”  But once I did, I felt like I constantly had to validate my feelings because all too often I heard "she's just begging for attention.” 

In all honesty, I lost a lot of friends along the way. I was constantly told I was seeking attention or using my parent’s divorce as an excuse for everything. As embarrassing as this is to say, I ate lunch in the library for half of my junior year of high school. It was the most humiliating, painful time I have ever experienced in my life. Not only was I already struggling with my mental health, but I had no friends and even more severe depression. I did not want to live anymore if it felt like this. I lost my purpose. 

Until I focused on music.

Music saved my life, cliché or not. If I didn’t have music to help heal my pain and get me through these times, I honestly can’t say I would be here today. Music has the ability to soothe the soul like no other. My ability to write my songs let me connect with other people who were feeling the same way. And finally, I had validation. It was no longer, “you are seeking attention,” but rather “this helped me get through what I was feeling.” If I could be grateful for only one thing in my life (besides my mama), it would be music.

It wasn’t until I wrote one of my favorite songs during my junior year, that I really felt this powerful effect of music. I was just about to put out my first album when I told my guitar teacher, I had one last song. That night, in April, we wrote and recorded the entire song (through a lot of tears). I released every emotion I had built up from that year and left it in the song. I had never felt so free in my life.

After lots and lots of therapy, a deep reflection of who I am, millions of 3 am songwriting sessions, and a great support system I collected along the way, I can honestly say I did not let my depression win and that 6 years later, I have never been in a better mental state than I am today. If you had asked me 4 years ago, I would have never believed that I would be at an amazing college doing the best I ever had. I couldn’t see past the moment I was living in and the pain I was feeling. So, if you are feeling like I did, I promise you it gets better and you don’t want to miss how good it’s going to get, trust me!

What I have learned is that it really is okay to not be okay. It also isn’t embarrassing. Not everyone is perfect, and I can promise you everyone is dealing with something. Whether it be big or small, it is still so valid. My favorite saying someone has told me is, "if you break your leg or stub your toe, you still have the right to say ouch.” It doesn't matter if your problems may seem more insignificant than others, your feelings are still valid. 

So, if you're reading this, remember to check on your smiley friends too, and there always is light at the end of the tunnel.

Anonymous, Southern Methodist University

Connect With Us

To follow IfYoureReadingThis at SMU on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to SMU students, visit our chapter’s homepage.

AUTHOR CONTACT

This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.