Shaina S.

Photography by Mason Schlopy

If you’re reading this, you deserve to be the most authentic version of yourself.

I come from a religious background and have been going to a religious school my entire life. I was constantly in a heteronormative environment and always expected to end up with a guy. 

Growing up, I was always a tomboy, but my family and I just brushed it off as a phase. We even brushed off the fact that when I was very little, I was open that I had crushes on girls. Once I hit around 9, I learned to read the room and realize this wasn’t the societal norm. So I began to join in with my friends and pick which boys I thought were cutest. 

I did this throughout all of middle school and high school publicly. Although, privately sophomore year I began to realize that I was being dishonest and came to realize I liked girls. This was the toughest pill I’ve ever had to swallow. I thought I would lose all my family and friends and felt extremely isolated.

I originally came out as bisexual to not just my family and friends but to myself, because I couldn’t fathom the idea of being a lesbian in my community. I knew I’d be disconnected and looked down upon. I had to try to believe that maybe I can end up with a man like all my friends would. As I was having this internal conflict, externally I had teachers arguing about the validity of gay marriage. Friends and classmates making gay jokes and outwardly saying how uncomfortable gay people made them. This environment stunted my acceptance for years.

By senior year I had finally come to terms with the fact that I didn’t like men - which was for me, arguably scarier than realizing I am attracted to women. At the same time, being honest with my family and inner circle was the most freeing feeling I’ve ever felt. I had started to come to terms with who I was and wanted to be in a safer environment. I went to a high school where taking a gap-year to Israel was the norm. I chose to go on a very open program, whereas my friends chose very religious programs where they learned the Bible all day. Going on this program allowed me to be in an accepting environment for the first time in my life. I learned for the first time real respect and was taught for the first time that I deserved to be treated like everyone else despite not being straight. Still, I struggled to not be closeted after years of feeling scared to be myself. Even when I was in a safe space, I shut down and felt uncomfortable in my gap year to be true to who I was. It took months for me to realize that I had to let go of scary experiences I had back home and realize that would not be happening moving forward.

Eventually, I came out to most people on my program but got outed back home by someone I considered to be a best friend. Being outed was my biggest fear for years and one of the scariest things I’ve gone through. I felt scared to go in public and see people I had known since elementary school, all because they would finally know me for who I really am. Most people back home were accepting although some weren’t. They made fun of me and said how they saw me in an entirely different light. This was a blessing in disguise and led me to realize who my real friends were and pushed me to be open for the first time ever.

All of this has allowed me to come into Syracuse more comfortable than ever. I’ve been fully out on my own accord for the first time in my life and am the happiest I’ve ever been. I still struggle at times and have had to learn how to navigate being my real self for the first time ever, which has been really scary, yet the most rewarding experience of my life. I sometimes still revert back to my old headspace, and I know this is something that will take years to overcome, which is okay. Overall, I cannot be more grateful for how things have turned out. I have incredibly accepting friends and my family who have become my biggest support system. If you are reading this and have struggled or still struggle with your sexuality, remember you need to live your life for you and nobody else. You are valid and deserve to be happy and authentic no less than anyone else.

Shaina S., Syracuse University

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