Sarah B.
Photography by Aneesa Wermers
Please note: In this letter, I discuss my experience with sexual assault as well as suicidal ideation. If you believe this topic will be triggering for you, I encourage you to take care of yourself and be prepared to access any resources you may need. The RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline is available 24/7 at (800)656-4673 or at rainn.org. The HEAL group is available as a group therapy for survivors, as well as other counseling services for mental health through the University Counseling Services office at Boston College.
If you’re reading this, stop blaming yourself.
March 9, 2019 was the night I became a part of a staggering statistic; I now share a trauma with one in five women on college campuses. I was sexually assaulted on this night, by someone who I went to high school with and even considered to be a friend of mine. I remember hearing his roommate on the other end of the line asking if he could come back to the room. “Did you smash?” That’s all he cared about, if his roommate got some… Rape culture at its finest. I will never forget the first thing my perpetrator said to me after assaulting me: “Can you keep a secret?” Well, I am through with holding the burden of this “secret.” I refuse to keep internalizing this pain that you caused me. In fact, I will use what you did to me to grow and help others fight the cancer that is sexual violence and rape culture. Finally, I will break my silence and stop blaming myself for what you did to me.
The impact of this experience on my mental health was, and at times still remains, tremendous. To even try to describe the feelings that consumed me in the following days when I realized what actually happened is nearly impossible. Not to mention the nearly three years of trying to heal while being continually reminded of that night, and contemplating sharing my story publicly. All with the thought of him getting away with it tormenting me. This is the first time I am openly coming out to share my experience, and I have decided to use this platform as a vector to raise awareness and hopefully make someone feel validated and less alone.
I never realized how strongly a photo or mention of a person’s name could trigger a memory of such a lucid yet blurry night. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life, and my assault augmented these illnesses. I have spiraled into panic attacks at the mere image of him, sick to my stomach. I have felt shame and disbelief and regret and self hate. I have felt absolutely broken and struggled to find ways to cope. I have had periods of struggling to pick myself back up and fight to regain control over my life and my body. But I am here and I am loud. This is a part of my identity, and I refuse to be silent while we as women are still plagued by the atrocity of sexual assault and have to fight for simple respect.
As a background on my other mental health experiences and struggles, I have dealt with anxiety as well as depression since I was in elementary school. Whether it was being inconsolable every day to get onto the bus and go to school, putting mountains of pressure on myself to be perfect for years, or the not so obvious signs of depression following the death of my sister when I was five years old, I have struggled with my mental health for just about as long as I remember. Things came to a head during my junior year of high school when I was hardly functioning through the day, and contemplating why I was even here. I would wake up crying, and began to contemplate whether it would be better if one morning I didn’t wake up at all. These thoughts of suicidal ideation plagued me and made the smallest of tasks seem insurmountable. My anxiety was triggered at the flick of a switch and I was experiencing debilitating panic attacks almost every day. I continue to fight my demons today, and it has been a long road of high highs and low lows. If you’re reading this letter and you have experienced mental illness, I want you to know that it is okay to not be okay. Whatever you are going through is absolutely valid. Be patient with your mind, and be kind to yourself. So often we tend to focus on the health of our physical bodies, while we neglect that of our mind; our brains are just as important to nurture as any bruise, broken bone or other physical hindrance. It is not your fault, so stop blaming yourself for something you have little to no control over!
I encourage the reader of this letter to open your doors; let people in, and allow yourself to be vulnerable with yourself and others as you work through whatever it is you are up against. It is daunting at first, but you may find that you form stronger bonds with people, and the weight of internalizing your mental health struggles will be lifted. You may even form connections with people that are going through similar struggles or traumas as you. Remind yourself that you will be okay, even if you are not right now. You have no idea how strong you are. Be patient with yourself; it takes time to figure out what will help, and yes it can be very frustrating, but know that there are so many options out there! Here are some things I have personally tried: four different individual therapists, group therapy, medication, journaling, exercise, meditation, the list goes on and on. (Sidenote: I even remember my mother dragging me into an acupuncture spa against my will; it ended up being a surprisingly wonderful experience… now I would recommend it; keep an open mind!) You will find something out there that works for you if you keep yourself open to the options out there. And also try not to be discouraged if you don’t click with the first thing you try. The first major steps to healing and coping are 1. Recognizing your struggles and validating that what you are going through takes up a space in your life; and 2. Talking to someone and getting help, whatever method it may be!
Sexual assault is such a taboo topic for something that is significantly more prevalent than many people realize. It is time we become more transparent about this issue, and continue the dialog to become better. If you are a sexual assault survivor reading this letter, there are three things I want you to hear and to truly believe:
I believe you.
Do not blame yourself in any way shape or form.
You are not of lesser worth as a result of what you have been through.
These three statements are so simple to hear, but not simple to execute. Since my assault, I went through periods of disbelief and self doubt, thinking I was “too dramatic” or that “other survivors have it much worse than me.” Validate yourself and your experience; sexual assault is sexual assault. Disclosing your experience to someone is very intimidating, but the weight it takes off of your shoulders is insane. Those who are loyal friends, family members and colleagues will support you and stand by you through your recovery. And remember that while your assault is a part of your identity, it does not define your value. Your perpetrator does not deserve any power over you.
If you are not a survivor reading this, here are three things I want you to take to heart:
Be an ally. Work hard to believe and support survivors.
Know that a few moments of intervening in a situation can change someone’s life. It is worth the awkward three seconds it takes to step in as an active bystander!
Let’s work together to dismantle rape culture to create a safer space for everyone.
I thank you for reading this letter. You will be okay, and remember to stop blaming yourself for something that is not your fault in any way. You are more than just your mental illness or your trauma. Take care of yourself. Even if I don’t know you personally, if you find that you resonate with my sentiment in any way, PLEASE do not hesitate to reach out via email, text, or any other mode of communication, I am always down to chat! Hang in there, you matter.
Sarah B., Boston College ‘22
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