Kristin P.
Photography by Caroline MacLaren
Please note: In this letter, I discuss my experience with sexual assault. If you believe this topic will be triggering for you, I encourage you to take care of yourself and be prepared to access any resources you may need. The RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline is available 24/7 at (800)656-4673 or at www.rainn.org.
If you’re reading this, you don’t have to hide your struggles.
When I was sexually assaulted, I immediately hid my experience. I tried to remember every moment, and all that I could do was think of what he would say to twist the fault on me. Had I drunk too much? Did I insinuate that I was interested in something that I said? Since I didn’t tell anyone, did that make me guilty?
Soon after, I broke down in front of my best friend. Luckily, my brother and biggest support system did not question me for a moment. My best friend saved my life with that phone call because I lost myself for months. I had outlets for those moments of depression and insecurity thanks to them.
I placed myself at such a low point that I treated myself as if I deserved nothing.
Personally, I did not report the incident. However, that just shows the twisted outcomes that result from reporting. I constantly thought that if I reported it, nobody would believe me. I felt guilty about affecting his life even though mine has been turned upside down. I urge anyone who has suffered from any type of sexual assault to at least reach out to your best friend, therapist, sibling, professor, parent, or peer. The statistics surrounding this topic show that the majority of people who are sexually assaulted do not report the incident, let alone tell anyone. Keeping this to yourself may break you down, and you won’t have the chance to learn how to bring yourself back up again.
I want to remind everyone that there is no small incident. There is no comparison. There is not a scale for sexual assault. Harassment and assault are not to be belittled or dampened. I kept thinking about how I wasn’t very injured and I was safe soon after. Lessening my experience silently wrecked me, and I don’t want anyone to feel like this. Remember that your trauma is always valid.
Confidence is my biggest struggle, but I’ve learned that when I have it, even the slightest bit, I am happier, and typically with my people.
I am writing this to say that someone is always there for you, and that can even be me. We are so much more than our struggles, and we are so much stronger than those who hurt us. Writing this helped me to finally tell my mom, so I’m hoping that reading this may help one of you make your next step towards healing.
Kristin P., Villanova University
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