Rachael H.
Photograph provided by Rachael H.
If you’re reading this, you are so loved and the world needs you here.
Sharing our stories is one of the most important things we can do to help others.
As one of my favorite authors and researchers, Brené Brown, says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” Nearly four years ago, I was a Division One student-athlete juggling school, my sport—swimming—and friendships, relationships, clubs, and other extracurriculars.
It was November 2019, and I was in the darkest headspace I had ever been in. I was high functioning, and you probably would not have been able to tell I was struggling except that I was always very on edge and stressed. However, I felt like I did not have any time to myself and to do things that bring me happiness. I really started to struggle in the pool with my performance while also trying to stay focused in school, sleeping, and being social in general. I felt like if I were to change something, stop, or drop part of my schedule, people would judge me and talk about me. I also felt I would be a failure and not be able to continue with school or even swim anymore.
Ultimately, I got to the point where those thoughts drove me to the ground, and I could not function anymore. I developed dangerous and suicidal thoughts and as soon as those around me found out, I had to go home. So, I stopped swimming, took a semester off school, and focused solely on my mental health. For the first time, I saw a therapist just for bettering myself, not related to sports performance or anything outside of the want to get better. While I do not recommend this is the path that everyone should take if they are struggling, we have many excellent resources here on campus. Those around me knew what I needed at that time.
I am here, living proof that there is a way to be happy and healthy both physically and mentally, even when it literally feels quite impossible
And it does get better. You just have to lean on one person, whether they are a friend, coworker, peer, stranger, professor, or psychologist, to ask for help. They can help handle the rest. Your life and story are so valuable and precious. Please never forget that. The world needs you here. Trust was one of the most important things for me to build while I was focused on recovery. When I struggled the most, I did not trust that if I were to listen to my body and take time for myself, my coaches would understand and support me, my teachers would understand and support me, and that friends would understand and support me. I was terrified that if I stopped halfway through a semester, I would not finish my undergraduate career and might not return to the sport I truly love. I also feared people would judge me and that I could lose people close to me if I just left.
Taking the leap and going home was one of the hardest things to actually do. It takes immense courage, and I found that many of my fears were not true in those months of recovery. I slowly began trusting that home was exactly where I needed to be. I learned that the people who truly loved and cared about me always loved and cared about me, no matter what happened and what the situation was. I learned that my coaches, teachers, friends, and family truly wanted me to be the best version of myself. They did not care about the extra hurdles and details that would have to be figured out for my situation. After we were allowed to come back after the initial wave of COVID, I came back to school, decided to switch my major to a path that aligned well with my passions, and returned to my team, and was reunited with my friends and the people that unwaveringly supported me.
After reflecting and working through more of my experiences, it also led me to start a chapter of an incredible mental health organization on campus, IfYoureReadingThis, to help others with their mental health journeys. IfYoureReadingThis (the platform you’re reading this on right now) is a mental health non-profit that strives to help end mental health stigma by sharing open letters from students’ experiences from across the country. Being a student-athlete and a part of the organization for several years now, I was thrilled to join Gabby in this initiative to start a student-athlete series for all campuses, with or without IYRT chapters, in order to highlight the importance of conversation around mental health in athletics. We absolutely need to bring more awareness and conversation to the experiences that many student-athletes face every single day, but that feel silenced in sharing their stories or expressing their feelings.
Now, fast forward four years, I am proud to say I finished my swimming collegiate career at the PAC-12 championship in 2022, graduated in the Spring shortly thereafter, continued on to graduate school at Georgetown University, and now I am actively pursuing my goal and the ultimate dream of becoming a physician to help others. Many days, moments, hard times, disappointment, heartbreak, challenges, joyous celebrations, and every emotion possible have passed since that initial day in November of 2019 when I honestly did not want to be alive. I PROMISE you that it was worth taking the extra breath and staying here on this earth. Life is not easy, no matter what circumstances you are dealt with, and everyone is fighting or battling a silent battle that you cannot see. Through my experiences as a student-athlete, as well as a normal human adult, post-graduation, I garnered a deep sense of understanding, love, compassion, and empathy for all those around me. I have made it my life’s mission to make sure no one feels as alone or in a place of deep darkness as I did.
As another one of my favorite authors Glennon Doyle says, “We can do hard things”. This sentiment has gotten me through the most challenging times in my life. We are meant for hard work, and hard work is only temporary. Most importantly, as my mom always tells me, “lets just take it one step at a time”. If you do not know how you are going to make it even to tomorrow, then let’s just focus on making it to the next few hours, and if that is too much and daunting, let’s just focus on making it through the next hour, and if that is too much let’s just focus on making it through the next minute. We can do that; YOU can do that. I promise, the next minute after will always just be a little better.
Rachael H., Arizona State University
Arizona State University Swimming & Diving
Dear student athletes, you are strong, capable, and resilient. We are here to support you on your journey. From around the country, five student athletes have come together for a letter series to offer their open support by sharing their unique, beautiful, and individual stories. Their mission is to create a safe community for student athletes to be there for one another through all the challenges and glories. Your mental and physical health matter and you are not alone.
Letter series facilitated and edited by Gabrielle Pack & Rachael Holp.
