Lindsay L.
Photograph provided by Lindsay L.
If you’re reading this, there are many people waiting to see you again and they want to help you. People love and support you, no matter what you may think. Thank you for making it this far and let’s see it through together.
I hope by reading this letter, you are able to see the beauty of life and are not afraid to ask for help.
Since I was six years old, I have been an athlete. I went through the typical trial and error of picking which sport I really wanted to do, ranging from soccer, basketball, gymnastics, volleyball and eventually landed on swimming. And thank goodness I did. I joined USA Swimming at 8 years old and I have loved it ever since. Swimming brought passion, dedication and grit to my life that I always wanted to pursue. As I swam through the ranks of my sport, I was 13 when I achieved my first Olympic trials time standard, or “cut” as we say. This moment really skyrocketed my swimming career and put my ability into a more elite category of the sport. As time went on, I went through the college recruiting process and landed on Arizona State and fell in love with the sport all over again. I never lost my love for it, but going to ASU solidified my dedication to swimming and has pushed me to new heights.
As a freshman student-athlete, COVID-19 hit. I was supposed to get on a plane in 2 days to leave for my first ever NCAA Championships when the news broke and NCAAs were canceled, along with everything else in the world. 2020 was a tumultuous year for everyone, but it seemed like everything in my life and world was crumbling. During the summer of 2020, my Mom started developing facial paralysis. Due to the stressors of the world at the time, many doctors believed it to be a simple diagnosis of Bells Palsy. Time passes by and we reach November of 2020. The facial paralysis still has not gotten any better and she developed significant amounts of pain. This is the same month where we discovered my Mom’s only sibling, her brother and my beloved Uncle, had taken his own life. No words serve right to explain the devastation and pain of learning that information. It felt like the world stopped spinning and I was living in a simulation. I couldn’t get out of bed the next day, I couldn’t go do the sport I loved so dearly and I didn’t want to go see anyone who was smiling or laughing. I could not understand how people could be so happy and smiling when something so horrible had just occurred in my life. The reality of it is, the world doesn’t stop. Life carries on. No one else knew about what happened except my inner circle of friends and coaches there to support me.
So I took the next step and went to our weight room to lift at the end of the week with the team. My first outing with people since I found out. When I got there, so many people were there to love me, hug me and support me, but I didn’t feel right. I felt nauseous, shaky and started to see black. I went into my lifting coach’s office and cried. I couldn’t stop. It felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see my teammates that I loved so dearly through the confusing pain I was experiencing. My coach took me aside and supported me to go back home and we could try again later. So, Monday rolled around and I tried going to swim practice. It felt like I was on cloud 9 to be back at the place I would consider a safe haven. The pool has always been a place where I can forget about the outside world and focus on my craft and task at hand. That was, until Monday afternoon practice. I made it through warmup with a smile on my face and was ready for our main set. We had 10x400s on a descending interval. I got to number 6 and my Uncle popped into my head. I started going numb. My head felt like a black and white spinning illusion wheel. I couldn’t breathe again and started shaking uncontrollably, which is not helpful when you are trying to pull yourself through a body of water. I looked up at my coach and told him that I didn’t know what was going on but I needed help. He got me to the trainer’s room and my trainer stayed there with me for 2 hours after practice. After she supported me through my struggles, she recommended that I speak with a sport’s psychologist.
As a psychology major, I have been told of the importance of therapy over and over again, but I never took it upon myself to partake in it. I say this because of the athlete mindset. We have been preached our whole lives to “just get over it” or “push through it” or “pain is temporary.” I lived that truth for so long, but never knew how it could affect my mental health. So I went home and scheduled a sports psych visit for 8:00am the next day, via zoom because it was 2020. When I spoke with him the following day, I explained my history and what I had been experiencing the previous weekend and day. He was understanding, listened and provided feedback when necessary. When he let me complete my story, he explained what I was going through. I was having debilitating panic/anxiety attacks. Once he explained this, I felt like a 1000lb weight was lifted off my shoulders. To finally see a reason as to what was happening in my head and to my whole body felt like freedom. I had been extremely fortunate enough throughout my whole life to live up to that point without any sort of mental health struggles, issues or anxiety of any kind. That being said, I was able to continue working with my sports psych and move through these struggles together as he provided exercises and insight on what to do when these instances do occur. My sports psych helped me learn how to go back to the pool again and not worry about my outside life.
After working with my sports psych and communicating with my family, I took communication to a level of paramount importance. Sometimes all we need to do is talk out our feelings, struggles, highs and lows with a supportive friend, family member or psychologist. While life is far from rainbows, butterflies and daisies everyday, we can support each other to find the beauty in everyday life. My life is such a gift that I will never take for granted.
With that being said, if you’re reading this, take care of yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Lindsay L., Arizona State University
Arizona State University Swimming & Diving
Dear student athletes, you are strong, capable, and resilient. We are here to support you on your journey. From around the country, five student athletes have come together for a letter series to offer their open support by sharing their unique, beautiful, and individual stories. Their mission is to create a safe community for student athletes to be there for one another through all the challenges and glories. Your mental and physical health matter and you are not alone.
Letter series facilitated and edited by Gabrielle Pack & Rachael Holp.
