Manisha V.

Photography by Ally Szabo

If you’re reading this, it is okay to step away from others to start your healing process and take some time to reset.

For as long as I can remember, I was bullied and made fun of all throughout my middle school and high school career. I remember most nights throughout high school, I would sit in my room and cry because I was not invited to a Sweet 16 party for a “supposed friend,” or I would study really hard, hoping that one day I could leave my town, get a great education, and start afresh.

I thought that by coming to college, I could finally make friends, and everyone would accept me for who I am. I never addressed my middle and high school trauma adequately, and that affected how I operated in relationships during my college career; instead, I was eager to jump headfirst into forming new relationships. However, in the transition from a public high school to an out-of-state university, I was so focused on making new friends and maintaining those relationships so heavily that I forgot about myself and what it meant to practice self-care; I had not taken a moment to absorb what happened to me in high school and come to terms with it in a healthy manner. Instead, I kept brushing it aside for social activities. This worked for a decent amount of time until it did not. People started drifting away from me, as not every friendship is a lifetime, but I didn’t know how to handle it.

I started to care so much about what other people thought about me to not lose friends that it consumed me during all hours of the day. By my junior year, I had spiraled so much in trying to maintain strained relationships and focused more on others rather than myself; I had been losing sleep, didn’t eat, and was crying myself to sleep every night, wondering what was wrong with me. I constantly had depressive intrusive thoughts that stemmed from high school insecurities, and I was ashamed of myself. I didn’t want to get out of bed, and I felt no one cared about me or was helping me. I started ideating during the spring semester of my junior year about ending my life, but luckily, I had a great support system within my family.

I realized that while friendships and relationships were meaningful, I was too. Finally, in June of this year, I took matters into my own hands, and I decided to seek help for the first time, unprompted. I was at first embarrassed because while I had gone to therapy before, I would always find ways to not talk about traumatic past experiences, instead hyper fixating on the present. It was those same unresolved issues from my childhood that affected me in the present, and I knew it was time for a change. Being able to talk about my feelings helped me so much in the first step of my own recovery and healing process; I was able to finally come to terms with the depression and anxiety disorders that I had developed and what that meant for me in my daily life.

While working an internship, I decided to take a step back from my school life and unplug from social media (for the most part). Instead, I focused on doing good work at my internship, networking with individuals whose careers were interesting to me, and coming home and exploring the city where I was living, as well as doing things that I wanted to do. It was so helpful and really allowed me to get to know myself on a level that I had never paid attention to prior. The good news is that therapy was helpful for me, and I have continued seeking it ever since this summer.

If you’re reading this, it is okay to take that step back from social activities, friends, and other relationships to develop healthy coping mechanisms and relationships with yourself. It is so important in college, where the social aspect is a massive part of university life, to normalize the idea of taking social breaks and having “me time,” especially when things seem overwhelming and too much. While seeking help when you feel alone seems counterintuitive, it is a powerful first step in healing yourself and promoting your wellness.

Manisha V., Villanova University

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