Ananyaa B.

If you’re reading this, it’s NOT too late.

I know you’re probably wondering, it’s not too late for what?? Well, every time I started with the words “if you’re reading this,” my brain would autocomplete with the title of the Drake album (If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late), so that’s where that came from. But I’m here to say it’s not! It’s not too late for a lot of things. Primarily, I want you to know that it’s not too late to change your career path, it’s not too late to reevaluate the relationships you invest in, and it’s not too late to redefine the way in which you treat yourself.

There were many moments at Duke in which I felt “stuck”. I felt that I had already committed myself to a certain pre-professional track, already made connections with a certain set of people, or already established an image of myself that I needed to adhere to.

Throughout my time at Duke, I had this attitude that no matter how I was feeling – whether it was stuck, dissatisfied, uncertain – that I had to keep my resolve and get through it. I had to keep pushing no matter what, never giving myself the flexibility to consider if something else would make me happier. This stemmed from a fear that if I were to change my mind, any effort I had already invested into my current path would go to waste. In reality, that is not at all the way it works. I used to think that my decisions and experiences had to perfectly align, such that if you looked at them on paper, you’d understand exactly how I got from one to the other.

The truth is your experiences don’t have to be linearly related at all for them to artfully weave together the tapestry of your life. Every experience still provides an opportunity for developing a new skill, expanding your knowledge horizon, or even simply gaining a better understanding of yourself and where you find fulfillment.

Let me back up and give you some context. When I came into Duke, I was pre-med. By my sophomore year, I discovered I loved all my computer science classes and declared it as my major. But I was still pre-med because past me decided that, right? I landed myself in a medical research role every summer, despite a tiny, suppressed curiosity about what it may be like to work in software engineering or data analytics. My senior year, I finally recruited for such full-time roles, but I do wish I had let myself explore earlier. And by the way, even though I’m not currently pursuing medicine, I have a whole list of reasons why all those classes and summer experiences were NOT a “waste” and contrarily, taught me a great deal.

Secondly, I want to emphasize the importance of being exceedingly selective in the people you keep close to you. Whether you recognize it or not, these people influence the way you act, the way you think, and even what you value. I like to develop relationships with people who I believe are better than me; I don’t mean better as an overall human, but rather that they do at least one thing that I wish to emulate. For example, learning from someone who is ambitious about how they develop and execute plans to meet their goals. Or learning from someone who is extroverted about how they comfortably approach a person they have never spoken to before. I think that in college, people often feel bound to their self-stratifying social groups. My belief is that you get the most value when you make friends not because you “run in the same circles” but because you find commonalities in your core principles. I must say I was fortunate to find several friends at Duke whom I admire and have much to learn from.

Lastly, I want to speak about the phenomenon of feeling stuck in one’s own personality. If my friends were to describe me by only one trait, they’d probably say I’m always smiling. While this is true, there were times that I was suffering a lot internally. Just like anyone else, there were events in my personal life that caused me grief, anxiety, and insomnia. Sometimes the contrast between how I felt and how I projected myself was so striking, I felt like I was wearing a mask. I’d go to parties, and laugh, and dance, when I didn’t really feel like laughing and dancing. As a result I felt like I couldn’t open up or talk to anyone about what was hurting me. I worried that if I lifted the mask to say something, people wouldn’t believe it and think I was simply searching for attention, because it didn’t reconcile with how they saw me. I felt like I had to live up to the expectation that wherever I go, I have a smile on my face.

I distinctly remember the first time I opened up to my roommate about a loss and she held me while I cried. I felt a huge relief and comfort in knowing that my friends will love me even when I don’t have the capacity to be “fun” all the time because my internal battery is low. Another friend recently reminded me to remember to give myself grace on down days. Strength is not always blocking out pain and being high-functioning every single day.

Being vulnerable is also a sign of strength.

Okay, that was long. If you made it this far, I hope at least some piece of this resonated with you. If it did, feel free to reach out – whether you know me or not, I’d love to hear from you. I guess I’ll just leave you with this: don’t ever give up on yourself until you are content with where you are (that is mentally, emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually). You have agency! It’s never too late to use it!

Ananyaa B., Duke University

Connect With Us

To follow IfYoureReadingThis at Duke on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to Duke students, visit our chapter’s homepage.

AUTHOR CONTACT

This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.