Kylie S.

Photography by Mason Schlopy

If you’re reading this, pain is always temporary.

Your mom is there for you when you take your first breath, when you enter this world, and when a child is born it is a beacon of hope and new beginnings. A mother feels pride for their child, knowing that they gave them life.

My mom was one of those people who was meant to be a mother. While any woman can have a child, it takes so much more to be a mom. She harbored all the aspects that one needs to be a phenomenal mother, some of those being: selflessness, optimism, passion, a nurturing soul, loyalty, and most importantly strength.

I grew up watching my mom handle any obstacle she was dealt with, whether that be from her three girls or her terminal cancer. Growing up my whole life, I watched my mom battle at the unfortunate hands of stage four cancer. Diagnosis after diagnosis, bone cancer, lung cancer, breast cancer. She had it all. I grew up being a caregiver to my mom, spending a large portion of my childhood in hospitals or listening to my mom on the phone with doctors. Taking care of my mom never bothered me or never seemed out of the ordinary. I had been used to it for so long it never striked me that not everyone went home to a mom who was dying of cancer. My mom’s sickness created an indescribable and unbreakable bond between me and mother. But it also caused me deep-rooted anxiety from a very young age.

One day at school in fourth grade, I got called down to the office. I stepped in the principal's office as she looked at me with pity. I stared back confused, the first words that came out of my mouth were “Did my mom die?”. Now this is not a usual fourth graders response, but because of my mom’s sickness and my life at home, this was mine.

It never really got any better from there, I would often stay home from school when my mom had big doctors appointments or when my mom had been in the hospital because I could not stand not knowing what was going on with her. I hated the idea of being in the dark, being as young and helpless as I was.

My dad worked two jobs with long hours and my older siblings often had their own responsibilities, such as school or work. But at the end of every day there was always my mom and I. I knew that regardless of anything, I could rely on my mom forever. After all, she was my best friend.

It was about seventh grade when the sickness truly started taking over my mom, in a way that none of my family had ever seen before. She was always on the go, coming to all my sports games or class parties but watching her now, she couldn’t even walk fifteen feet without an oxygen tank. This was the hardest thing for me to accept because my mom never wanted help. She prided herself on being everywhere. 

Halfway through seventh grade my mom passed away. I was faced with severe and constant anxiety and depression that would waste my days. I would sit in my bed crying, throwing myself a pity party and wondering why this had to happen to me. The longer I thought, the more I realized that my mom never felt bad for herself, even when she stood in the face of death.

I used the courage and fearlessness that she demonstrated to me all my life to pick myself up and live everyday like it could be my last. Because that is exactly what my mom would have done.

Going to college was the biggest adjustment for me since my mom’s passing. Seeing everyone moving in with their mom’s and taking pictures on campus broke my heart. It hurt most because I knew it would be my mom’s dream to be here to see where I am today.

First semester I was faced with really heavy depression and I fought a lot of dark thoughts. I did not see a way in which anything would get better and I wanted to just not have to deal with what I was feeling. I wanted it all to be over.

I didn’t tell my friends or family for months how depressed I was and once I did they were so hurt hearing that I hated my life. I expected college to be a fresh start for me and the ability to finally have part of my life that could be somewhat normal. For once I wanted to be in control of my life. The beginning of my life was determined by my moms sickness and now I was faced with a sickness of my own. Depression.

It took so many months of me feeling so lost. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night. I did not know what to do. All I wanted to do was to call my mom. That was all I really needed, was for her to tell me that she was so proud of me and that I need to keep on going.

But I couldn’t.

I called my sister who is the closest thing I have to a mother now and I will never forget the words that she told me. She said, “Kylie you can’t give up because mom knew she was going to die everyday for months and never once did she give up.”

Those words stuck with me and got me through the rest of first semester. My mom used to always say “pain is temporary but death is permanent, never make that decision.”

Thankfully, I am still here today and that has a lot to do with the amazing people that I found here in the second semester, my sister, and my friends from home.

It is okay to ask for help and it is okay to not be okay sometimes. Just know that there is always a way through it and there is nothing you cannot overcome.

My mom taught me so many meaningful lessons in the short time that I had with her. If you are struggling with anything just know that there are people who love and support you. Stay here for them and make yourself and everyone around you proud because you deserve it.

All bad things pass and you will come out stronger than you were before. Going through something as difficult as that, I always try to be the person that I needed during those times for other people. It gave me a sense of purpose and a reason to stay in this world.

We are all here for a reason and it is only a matter of time until that comes to you, so stick around.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option that you have. So pick it. Choose strength and never ever give up.

No matter how much it feels like you have lost in life, there is always so much more to gain in the future.

Keep going.

Kylie S., Syracuse University

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