Maggie O.

Photography by Ben Curry

If you’re reading this, there is a difference between struggling and suffering.

When I was a senior in high school, I experienced my first panic attack. I had struggled with anxiety and OCD my entire life; however, the prospect of leaving my home in Massachusetts and attending college in Colorado was sparking the debilitating feelings that were beginning to control my life. 

In an attempt to finally sell myself on the idea of attending Colorado College, my mom and I decided to take one more visit before the end of my senior year. As I was boarding the plane, I felt the wave of worry come over me. I was itchy, irritated, anxious, and spiraling out of control. Where was I going? Why am I leaving home? I hate airplanes. Colorado is too far. I even convinced myself that the airplane was going to crash and my mom and I weren’t safe. I’d do anything to get myself out of this situation.

How embarrassing. An 18 year old girl blocking the jet way with her mother, inconsolable with debilitating anxiety. This event was a turning point in my life, as it finally clicked for my mom and me that I was truly struggling. 

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with anxiety and obsessive compulsions– worrying, organizing, and planning my life in order to be the most comfortable and successful in my setting. While my three siblings were relaxed and content, I would be overthinking during the day and crying myself to sleep at night. Throughout my time in high school, I could feel my anxiety slowly increasing. As a creature of comfort, the impending changes in my life were beginning to cause me extreme worry. However, until that moment in the airport, I didn’t realize how bad of a place I was truly in.

Rather than making my final visit to Colorado, I took the week off of school and got the first available appointment with a Psychiatrist in Boston. I wanted to feel better, but I was embarrassed to admit that I needed help. 

I will always remember my first appointment in Boston. I was in a small, quiet office at Mass General, sitting in a chair with my mom on one side and my dad on the other. My doctor, a soft-spoken older man, said “Maggie, there is a difference between struggling and suffering. And it is clear to me that you are suffering right now, but I am going to help you”. 

I remember the feeling of relief that washed over me in that moment. I felt the support of those around me, and the hope that I could get better. 

Now, four years later, I am about to graduate from Colorado College. My journey with mental health has been a battle and it will continue to be. When I feel myself beginning to spiral or when I have my hard days, I remember that I am not suffering anymore and that it is ok to struggle.

Maggie O., Colorado College ‘22

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