Emily H.
Photography by Savannah Mitchell
Dear Reader,
Emily’s letter describes her personal journey with an eating disorder and we advise those who may be triggered by this topic to exercise caution when reading this letter. We have a number of resources listed on our Resources Page that may be helpful, and encourage your to reach out to members of your support network if needed.
Sincerely, the IfYoureReadingThis.org team
If you are reading this, my name is Emily.
I currently go to ASU and have found my way in life, but I have walked a journey with my mental health for years.
I grew up in a wonderful family with caring parents and a little brother who looks up to me. I was never neglected or put in harm’s way. Although it may seem as if mental health might not be a concern, I still had to learn and walk through to get to know my true self.
My story begins with my initial struggles with school. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Dyslexia late (around 14 years old), which made my education very difficult and isolating. I was always the girl that was known for being energetic, but also shy. Most girls with ADHD tend to develop anxiety over time, which ended up being a problem for me. I was always anxious about school, time schedules, completing tasks, and most importantly succeeding. My anxiety ended up manifesting into a form of perfectionism that reached all aspects of my life.
Being “perfect” was highly encouraged by my family. Due to this pressure, I began to internalize my shortcomings and catastrophize the result of not succeeding.
At the age of 10, I developed Anorexia where I would eat one meal a day. I would spend summers with my Grandmother who embedded fat phobias into food and physical activity. This was also encouraged by my health-conscious parents, who tried every fad diet that came along. As I got older, I turned starvation into a coping mechanism for my anxiety. That empty feeling gave me the feeling of some sort of control. My eating disorder turned into Bulimia at the age of 13 after grieving the loss of a close family member. I became dependent upon the feeling of physical emptiness to focus and push myself further.
Among the many sports I played at the time, I joined martial arts to spend more time with my brother and dad. It came very naturally to me and became an outlet, which I loved more than anything else at the time. My academics were improving after my diagnosis. My athletic abilities were being noticed by colleges. My life felt as if everything was falling into place perfectly. However, it was far from healthy and slowly killing me.
Each week I trained in martial arts, fencing, and track n’ field for 17 hours a week (not including competitions on the weekends). I had become a varsity team captain, a collegiate candidate for fencing, and gained so many skills from martial arts. When I felt the most alive, I was getting closer to my body’s limits.
To better treat my ADHD, I began to see a psychologist for anxiety. At 16 years old, it felt nice to have an adult to talk to and help me see how I could better enjoy my time. During one of the sessions, I shared my insecurities about my body and how I had planned to cut weight or “lean out” to improve my athletics. When my therapist asked to see my plans and my diet log, they saw the pattern of anorexia. I was immediately sent to my primary care where I was given an extensive physical.
This one doctor’s visit changed my life. I was told that my heart could stop at any time. I had pushed my body so far that there was only one way I could save my life. I had to learn to accept my flaws and cope with a full stomach. It sounds easy, but it is scary to make that change when a way of life has been ingrained in you from the age of ten.
As hard as this change was, my life took another sudden turn. In my junior year of high school, I was severely concussed in an accident by a projectile object. I was 130 feet out when I was hit in the head and sent to the hospital. I was taken to the ER and received several stitches, followed by missing the last two months of school and seeing a neurological physical therapist for the next 8 months. Due to the severity of my concussions, colleges lost interest in me as an athlete and viewed me as a safety liability.
It seemed my life’s direction and my identity was changed in an instant. I went from a competitive athlete to just a girl going to college. At this time I was pretty lost, but I met many amazing people who were going through the same yet different life events. This environment opened my eyes to why mental health and support services are absolutely incredible.
As I moved on past high school and overcame those hardships, I entered the next chapter of my life where I was met with many challenges. College introduced me to dangerous individuals, where I was stalked, harassed, and bullied. The first year of college is always the hardest for everyone, but these factors made it much more difficult for me to adjust. However, for the first time, I faced those challenges in a healthy (full) way. I was thankful to have built up resilience and the intuition I needed for myself. I found that building a supportive community around me by joining clubs and making friends with everyone I met, changed my experience and helped me find and accept my authentic self.
I am thankful for my journey because I am so much stronger today than the girl who worked out every day. By walking in those hard times, I found the person I wanted to be. She sure isn’t perfect, but she is brilliant in her own ways. She may not be able to run a mile in 6 minutes flat or bench her body weight, but she uses empathy, kindness, and acceptance in all she does.
That is what she gives to others, and it is okay to give it back to herself.
If you are still reading this, thank you.
Emily H., Arizona State University ‘22
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