Ciara H.
Photography by Caroline MacLaren
If you’re reading this, loving yourself first is a treatment.
My therapist once said, “Ciara, sometimes you need to learn to be the patient and step back from being the caretaker all the time.” This statement hit home for me and made me realize how much I allowed myself to be there for others while slowly losing myself in the process.
OCD, anxiety, and depression are three words I wish I could run away from. No, literally, and it’s not just because I like running as a hobby. These words consume me daily to the point where I become exhausted and do not know which direction to turn. It is exhausting having to live with constant intrusive thoughts and anxious feelings about the smallest things. It wasn’t until the beginning of this past summer that I knew I couldn’t handle it anymore. My OCD got out of hand, and I dreaded living alone, away from my everyday school life and friends. I felt completely broken, my mind operating like a million disorganized puzzle pieces that needed to be glued back together. I felt like I had all eyes on me when really this judgment only came from myself.
One night at the beginning of the summer, I couldn’t take it anymore and broke down in front of my mom and brother. I worked up the courage to tell them I needed help, explaining how long I had been suffering in silence. At that exact moment, what I assumed would be another summer in darkness, showed a glimpse of light, a glimpse of glue ready to put me back together and become whole again.
Throughout my life, I have been known as the girl who is extremely positive, nice, and the girl who “everyone likes.” I am a friend who constantly reaches out to others because I want my family and friends to be happy and feel supported. It has always been a goal of mine to know how everyone is doing and check in with others – if they needed to talk about any problem they were having, I wanted to be there to offer advice. After a while, this became detrimental to me without even realizing it. Sometimes, it would even cause me to put my own feelings on the back burner and hide my struggles. While I have a passion for helping others, I knew at that moment in my kitchen, with my eyes swollen and my body frozen with pain, that I needed to put myself first for once to help ease the pain.
This past summer ended up being the best summer of my life. I had an internship that I was obsessed with, became closer with friends and family, traveled, and spontaneously took trips on the weekend solely for myself. I was able to find myself in ways that I never knew were there. I am learning to love myself more, with more excitement than fear for the road ahead. I am here to tell you that putting yourself first is never the wrong thing to do. The sun always rises, and there is always a new day to discover love for yourself. Like a wise person once told me, “be patient from time to time because caretaking can be a heavy load.”
If you’re reading this, loving yourself first is a treatment.
Ciara H., Villanova University
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