Caroline C.

Photography by Ally Szabo

If you’re reading this, remember there are people out there who care about you.

The past two years have held both the best and worst times of my life. While I have been incredibly grateful to go to college at a school I love, study abroad, and create lasting friendships, these accomplishments were also met with grief, loss, heartbreak, and hardship that at some points felt unbearable.

Depression is something I have dealt with on and off ever since I started high school. However, after I finished my freshman year at Villanova, it hit me harder than ever before. I went through something at school during the spring semester that left me confused and numb, but I had no idea how to tell anyone. 

I spent the entire summer laying in bed, wishing the day would turn to night so I could just go to sleep and forget about everything. I isolated myself from my friends and family and stopped doing things that I enjoyed. I refused to get help, because I felt like not only would no one understand what I was going through, but I truly believed that I didn’t deserve the help. 

Listen to me when I say this: You deserve the love and support you need. Asking for help makes you stronger, not weaker.

Finally, in my fall semester of sophomore year, I made use of the school’s counseling center, because I felt ready to talk about what happened. Eventually, I was recommended to go on medication, and was beginning to research psychiatrists and an outside therapist so I could get the long-term help that I needed. But the idea of going on medication freaked me out. I was afraid of side effects; the idea of going on medication made everything I was going through feel “real,” because many times I tried to convince myself I was fine. So, I ran away from the help I was getting. I didn’t go on medication. I didn’t get a therapist. 

While I started feeling better later that semester, and proceeded to have a great rest of the year, not getting help then only set me back further. In June, I was completely blindsided by a breakup. Although heartbreak is an inevitable part of life, it can truly be amplified when you are dealing with a mental illness and don’t have the support you may need. I completely lost my sense of self. When I came back to school in August, I was so depressed that I was sick. I stopped eating, I did not spend time with friends, and again, I refused to get help. I had to take three months off from playing the sport I love and worked so hard to come back to after dealing with an injury last year. 

I had no idea about the severity of my depression until one night I was talking with my friend, and she started crying. “You’re one of my best friends,” she said, “and it upsets me and the rest of our friends to see you go through this.” I realized that when I would miss a week of class because I was laying in bed, or miss out on a team-bonding session, or every time I wouldn’t respond to a text from someone checking in, the people in my life were being affected, too. Your friends, families, teachers, teammates, mentors– they care about you and they want to see you happy. 

After being diagnosed with major depressive disorder, I went on medication at the end of October. I know for a fact it is one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself. I have been able to fall back in love with life. I’ve been able to return to my sport, I feel better in the classroom, around my friends and family, and most importantly– with myself. I have realized my self-worth and I truly believe that I deserve to live a life filled with love. 

Going on medication can be scary, but it is there to help you. There is nothing wrong with having to take medication to relieve whatever you may be going through. We deserve to see the good and worth in ourselves. And if you’ve ever gone through heartbreak, I promise you that it is OKAY to feel lost for a while and I assure you that you will find yourself again. There is someone out there who wants the absolute best for you. You deserve to be happy.

Caroline C., Villanova University

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