Maizie N.
Photography by Ben Curry
Dear Reader,
Maizie N.’s letter includes experiences of suicidal attempts and suicidal ideation. We advise those who may be triggered by these topics to exercise caution when reading this letter.
Sincerely, the IfYoureReadingThis Team
If you’re reading this, please do your part to help end the stigma surrounding mental illness.
In June of 2022, I was finishing a challenging year and recovering from a conflict with a peer that left me feeling hurt. I was taking a class abroad that I had looked forward to since my freshman year. On this trip, I began to feel extremely isolated, perhaps because I was in my own head at least 75 percent of the time. I also felt nervous because mental health did not seem to be a priority of my professors. When I was alone, I fantasized about ways that I could escape and get away for good. I thought it was easier to do because I was abroad. This led to thinking of ways I could end it all, but make it look like a murder so the stigma of completing suicide would not taint my legacy. My depression worsened throughout the trip, as I started to sense that other people did not want me there either. To make it through the trip, it took me drawing semicolons on my body and reminding myself that giving into my urges would ruin my peers’ experiences. By the end of the trip, I regretted not enjoying myself more and dreaded returning to the US. The sparkle in my eyes dulled on that trip, but I am still grateful for many of my experiences on it.
In July after returning to CC, my depression worsened. Whether it was due to being in a familiar place and still feeling alone, living in my freshman/sophomore year dorm, or mourning what could have been with someone, my depression reached the point where I was going on long, sometimes dangerous drives and hoping something bad would happen to me. I found coping skills, including painting by numbers, and listening to Frank Ocean, which got me through this time.
My mental health seemed to be on an upward trajectory in August, but the events of September diminished any of that improvement. People who I thought I could trust turned on me to the point where my passive suicidal monologue became active. As soon as I expressed my desire to not be here anymore, I was met with coldness and disdain. My friends wanted no part of me. I ended up moving four times in less than a month and barely finishing my block. There was a point where I walked alone in the dark along the tiger trail, searching for places to end my life. By the end of this month, I started (and thankfully never finished) writing my suicide note. I felt like no one was there for me. While feeling intense sorrow and pain towards the families of those in my community who completed suicide (which caused me to not go through with it), I had a strange feeling of “that could have been my name in the subject line.”
Things are more stable now. With the help of my therapist, family and friends, cute animals and extracurriculars, I have been able to push myself out of my deep depression. I have regained my footing and found ways to stay alive for me rather than other people. Part of this recovery has been accepting that some wounds will never fully heal.
One of those wounds is a comment my former friend shared during my recovery. They claimed that those around me at my lowest points believed I used my mental health issues as manipulation. This is a reason that people suppress their emotions and live in constant pain. We cannot progress as a college, society, or generation in terms of how we handle mental health with stigma like this surrounding the subject. No one should have their emotions used against them. Expressing suicidality while in the middle of a panic attack was not a plea for attention or sympathy. It was a fight or flight response. It is completely normal to feel overwhelmed by someone’s issues, but boundaries must be set with kindness and empathy. I urge those reading this to never discount or dismiss someone’s trauma.
I would happily meet with anyone to discuss their mental health experiences or be a pillar of support, because I understand how important those conversations and support systems are.
Maizie N., Colorado College ‘23
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