Thomas D.
Photography by Ally Szabo
Please note: In this letter, there is discussion of suicidal ideation. If you think you may find this content triggering, please consider reading one of the other letters of IfYoureReadingThis.org, or prepare to access any support systems or resources you find helpful.
If you’re reading this, know that your ability to live another day is stronger than the stigma you face toward mental health.
You do not deserve any shame for experiencing anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, or other issues that try to hinder your perseverance. You are not worthless. You are not a burden. And you are not a mistake. You never were. Never.
The issue of facing mental health challenges is not necessarily having them but instead not seeking help due to the fear of not being accepted for your flaws. No matter what you are going through, you are beyond deserving of love. Maybe it does not seem like it at the moment, but your resilience to not surrender to your thoughts is immeasurable. When others recognize this strength, they will not turn you away. They will want to support you and be there for you. I know this because my family and friends were there for me.
Weighing me down to the point of hopelessness, the gravity of my suicidal ideation led me to suffer for years in silence. In the process of isolating myself from the world, I abandoned some of the most important people in my life. Even though I was on medication and a few people were aware of my struggles, I was immensely ashamed to seek professional help.
The thought of vanishing from the world and believing that my existence was a meaningless failure ripped a piece out of my self-esteem every single waking moment of the day. In a paradoxical way, it was comforting yet devastating. The reassuring thought of knowing that it would all be over soon soothed my worries about living tomorrow in loneliness. I knew I could no longer continue to drown in my own despair and misery. But the thought of leaving everybody behind shattered my soul.
The journey through melancholy can be conquered with support, love, and hope. This endeavor into new emotions and experiences can be utterly uncomfortable. You may even meet new people along the way who share a similar, harrowing story to yours in places that you have never been to before. You may even relapse into your inconsolable thoughts. But those that genuinely care about you will always be there. So, when you think you do not have a reason to keep going, do it for them.
Just because I can reflect on my own difficulties with mental health does not mean I am cured or ever will be. There are still many times when I find myself in a state of dejection, mourning the loss of my own happiness. However, happiness is not the ultimate pursuit in life. Happiness, like any other emotion, is temporary and shall pass. What does not pass, however, is your toughness and adaptability to overcome any obstacle you face on your journey.
If you are reading this and do not feel strong, I hope you can recognize the amount of strength it requires to wake up today and live enduring life’s countless commitments and responsibilities. I hope you can see how much strength you have even to read this letter. Your fortitude enables you to keep going, so why stop now?
If you’re reading this, take it one day at a time. You never know; maybe tomorrow will be better.
Thomas D., Villanova University
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