Tharun S.
Photography by Emma Kraus
If you’re reading this, you should know that it’s ok to not be happy.
I was always “the happy guy” growing up. The guy that was always smiling and humming some song down the hallways. But because of that identity, I used to feel the need to hide my sadness or anger or fear. That’s when the quotes would come up. I would bottle everything up tight. And as a kid, I never knew what to do with all these emotions that I didn’t understand. Over time, I realized how I was robbing myself of an opportunity to learn more about myself.
Those emotions are a part of me, so I’m rejecting myself by pushing them away. I found ways to utilize that energy by channeling it into music and exercise. I realized that for myself, sitting with the emotion, tossing on my favorite sad boy songs, and meditating on where it comes from and how it influences my behavior is a much healthier option than fighting against the current.
Recently, under the influence of one of my best friends who’s a musician, I started creating using these negative emotions.
Without any context, he texted me once, “I write sad songs to be happy”. So, the next time I felt down, I took out the notes app on my phone, put on headphones, and just started putting words onto the page. That first time wasn’t great, but the feeling was there, tangible. As I started to do this over and over again, I gained a deeper understanding of these emotions and now I am able to better express them.
Most importantly, I stopped hiding it in my body language. It’s ok for my friends to know I’m not 100% nowadays. It makes those involuntary smiles when you see someone do a good deed or seeing the light hitting the tree just right matter so much more.
Whenever my self-esteem takes a dip, I look to my friends. I remember that I have amazing friends that I respect tremendously. If they choose to keep me as a friend in their lives, then I must not be too bad. It’s a passive process for them, but quite an active process for myself. My friends and family still spend time with me because all the good - that I may not be able to see at the time - outweighs all my conscious and subconscious flaws.
Because my happiness flows freely in and out, I could throw away all my masks that would try to force it to the surface. I found out that I am just the happy guy. No quotes needed.
And, even if I’m not that day; it’s ok.
Tharun S., Boston University
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