Sun G.
Photography by Lydia Troupe
If you’re reading this, don't take time or yourself too seriously.
I think a lot about what time means to me since I graduated high school. I view time as such a restrictive yet freeing force. I look back at all the things I've done at college so far and I question how much of it I truly experienced. I’d be lying if I said I don't overthink and overanalyze, and that I expect myself to grow out of it.
I schedule every action of my day through Google Calendar, I use my notes app to make sure I talk to everyone in my life that I want to keep in touch with, so I don't forget, and I rely on my reminders app more than my short-term memory. I think people tend to associate organization and management with being serious and rigid, yet I have never considered myself to be the latter.
I give myself structure as a way to better understand the world around me, but I know it comes with its downsides. It's so easy to categorize ourselves in the tropes we see online in order to feel seen, and relate to the people around us. Honestly, I will always love a good personality test. But, I understand that it's difficult to explain parts of yourselves that contradict other parts of your personality.
Being a woman who is the leader of a social organization comes with being perceived by people you don't even know, which is extremely anxiety-inducing. Last year I fell deeply into this feeling of needing to be accepted. I wanted everyone to understand who I am and not make any negative assumptions about me, but that turned out to be unrealistic and exhausting. I began to care so much about what people knew about me and how they felt about me, which led to me basing my own self-worth on others' surface-level opinions. I started creating these non-existent boundaries on my own growth for the sake of showing a picture-perfect image to others, just so I was easier to understand.
As an organization-driven person, I like when things are consistent and match. I used to believe that everything about my physical, emotional, and mental appearance had to be consistent and match. But, people are complex, contradictory, and flawed, and that's something that should be valued and celebrated. I think of the word sonder a lot – the profound feeling of realizing that everyone, including strangers passing in the street, has a life as complex as one's own, which they are constantly living despite one's personal lack of awareness of it. The feeling is overwhelming to think about, yet so grounding for me.
I really didn't want to write one of those “Just stay positive, live in the moment, life is short, be present” surface-level motivations that go in one ear and out the other. Blind positivity in itself is draining, which is shown through the copious amounts of media consumption that try and capitalize on our interests, individuality, and mental health. Honestly, I wanted to write this letter as another outlet to take time for myself. That sounds so cliché but, just like all my other media posts, I know I'm looking at it the most, over analyzing it the most, so I might as well make it something that I enjoy looking back at in the future.
We have been raised as women to be caregivers to others, to mold ourselves to the patriarchal standards set by cis-men, and to prioritize others' needs to give ourselves purpose. It is easier to value our worth by doing things for other people and gaining external validation through different outlets, especially as university students.
It's easier said than done to genuinely make time for ourselves. This is truly one of the first times I can confidently say I am independent. I define independence as being able to live my life without the external support of others dictating my happiness, and that I am happy with myself regardless. You are the only person that will be with yourself for the rest of your life, so you need to make sure you're taking care of yourself before you can take care of others.
Life is strange and draining and silly and cringe and beautiful, and it feels so much better when you embrace everything. I like organization and I like structure, but I also like the chaotic feeling of living. I feel so lucky and privileged to be able to live my life so openly and genuinely. I have the ability to not take it too seriously, but I truly understand that not everyone can do what they want to do sometimes, most times, all the time, because of external circumstances. Regardless of the case, I hope you can take one thing away from this letter: “I realize everything will be alright. The things I'm stressing over are only as significant as they are because I'm allowing them to be. I let go of situations that I can't control as life will naturally allow them to unfold in a way that benefits my growth.”
Be obsessed with yourself! Love is an all-consuming, raw, and messy feeling, and that feeling can and should apply to self-love too! Show compassion, forgiveness, and understanding when developing the constantly shifting relationship with yourself. Try not to let time and yourself create boundaries that don't exist, and avoid making decisions out of fear. Trust your gut, trust that your feelings are valid, and everything else will fall into the right place at the right time.
Sun G. (she/her), Georgia Tech
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