Sophie M.
Photography by Mina Derebail
If you’re reading this, small steps snowball.
During my freshman year of college, I found myself at the lowest point in my life. I struggled with overwhelming anxiety and panic attacks that made it difficult to enjoy anything, go to classes, or even leave my room. I was afraid of everything — that I would go somewhere and feel worse, that I’d get extremely sick, that I was a burden to my friends, that I was annoying my mom by calling her every time I had a panic attack. I felt paralyzed by life, and it took all my energy to get up each day.
A big factor in my physical stress and fear was that my anxiety had caused me to lose weight. I knew that I was not physically healthy, and tried to meet with a nutritionist to help gain my weight back. This process made me acutely aware of how sick I felt all the time. I began to get stuck in a mental cycle -- I knew that every step I took was not enough to solve all of the struggles I was facing, so each step I tried to take to feel better made me feel more and more hopeless. Every small sip of water or snack I ate felt like a monumental task that served as a reminder that I was not taking care of myself, and that each action was only one small part of my greater goal of feeling like myself again. Even the positive steps I would take sent me deeper into a mental spiral. Every night, I would stay up as late as possible because it was the only time my anxiety subsided -- I had gotten through the day. But I knew I’d wake up and have to do it all over again. It was exhausting.
One phone call with my mom was a turning point for me. She asked me to make one small change to my mindset: to consciously acknowledge the positive steps I took. If I took a sip of water, instead of thinking “that was only one sip and I need a million more to be hydrated” I would let myself take that small win -- “I did it. I took one sip, and that was good.” I felt like I had been given permission to take a breath. I could put in the small effort to think that one good thought, even if it was hard to believe. As I started to try to shift my mindset, subsequent sips of water started to get easier instead of harder. It was still exhausting, but it gave me some mental peace.
I didn’t immediately feel better after that conversation. Recovery from anything is not an immediate process. But the truth is that small steps snowball if you start the process. Sometimes the smallest action feels like the hardest part. Giving yourself grace and recognizing that even the smallest steps matter can make it feel less challenging. The first step is the hardest one and can feel like it changes nothing. But small steps add up, and like a snowball rolling down a hill getting bigger and bigger, your small steps will eventually add up to noticeable change. Don’t expect to see that change after one step, and allow yourself to take small steps, even if they don’t cause immediate change. You will be ok.
Sophie M., Georgetown University
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