Seela H.

Photography by Laura Solano - Flórez

If you’re reading this, your feelings are valid even if someone has it “worse.”

In the spring of 2020, my life completely changed in 30 seconds when my father was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. One moment my father was thriving, never missing a daily run, and in the next, he was battling a life-threatening disease that could prevent him from celebrating his 50th birthday. Glancing at my hero, who always displayed strength and courage, I was appalled at his uncharacteristic tears.

Overwhelmed by his diagnosis, which was compounded by the pandemic, I felt the joy of life dissipate. Initially, my father asked that his diagnosis remain private, but even when he allowed me to tell my close friends, I refused, believing each person I told would reopen my initial wound. While COVID rates began to drop and my friends began to indulge in restaurants and beach trips, I stayed home filled with fear of contracting the coronavirus and transferring it to my father. I spent months repressing my emotions, only letting myself feel in silence behind closed doors. I felt as if I had no right to give my parents more to worry about. I felt like I was selfish for my anxiety when my father was the one facing the struggle. 

Finally, when I could not bear the silence anymore, I took the initiative to speak with a local therapist via Zoom. I couldn't let myself lose my innate positivity, especially when I needed it most.

During therapy and by writing daily in a journal, I defined and faced my latent guilt, developing powerful coping techniques that increased my self-awareness. Fueled with a new outlook, I kept myself positive. However, just when I began to accept my new normal, my dad pulled me aside and said, "My treatment failed. My cancer is growing and will require indefinite hospital stays for research trials." For his safety, he told me that I must opt for all virtual schools and no longer work. I fell into a hole of loneliness, and I started to feel as if I would never escape. 

My father underwent four failed treatment cycles, before finally, he was cured by a new research trial. Each time, my anxiety skyrocketed, and I felt guilty to be anxious and upset when my father was able to stay very positive during his treatments. 

If you’re reading this, you are worthy of help. Your anxiety is valid, regardless of what it is about. Your feelings are valid. It is not embarrassing to need help. You are not alone, and it is so important to talk about what you are going through. And most importantly, you can get through anything life throws at you.

Seela H., Northwestern University

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