Sabrina G.

Photography by Ally Szabo

If you’re reading this, I encourage you to talk about things that make you uncomfortable.

When my mom died suddenly on the second day of Freshman Year Orientation at Villanova, I hid. I hid from everyone in fear that the death would make people uncomfortable. I didn’t want to do anything more to jeopardize my chances at having friends, because who would want to deal with all that, right? Wrong. Stepping back, over 3 years into my grief process, I’ve realized that that was probably one of the worst decisions I had ever made in my entire life.

I silenced myself.

I silenced the stories of my mom and I. I silenced the troubles and successes of our relationship. I silenced the 18 years of my life that I was “Sandy’s Daughter,” and I’m currently picking up the pieces on how to get that back. Due to my hiding, I lost a huge piece of myself, one that my friends here have never met. I didn’t let them get to know that part of me in fear that I would make them uncomfortable, so I stopped talking about my mom almost completely. I stopped watching the shows we would watch together in fear I wouldn’t be able to handle the emotions I felt, and god forbid I might have to ask for help. I stopped listening to her favorite songs, though music has always been an outlet for me. I stopped talking about how her death affected me, or honestly what exactly even happened. I stopped asking for help. I stopped actively grieving.

I will be the first to say that grief IS uncomfortable. I think the entirety of my Freshman and Sophomore year was filled with jaw-drops and silence when I would say how my mom had passed so recently. The thing is, if you continue hiding, these conversations will never be had, and therefore, the uncomfortability will never subside. Instead of having these conversations, I compartmentalized everything. School is where I hid, but at home, the emotions were overwhelming. Every trip home felt like a tsunami of emotions, making the transitions between home and school especially difficult. It’s extremely hard to hide at home, as I’m confronted with countless memories of my mom. I don’t have those reminders at school, making it extremely easy to neglect what I truly needed to grieve.

In this dark time of hiding, I attached myself to connections that supported the suppression of my grief. I started to become someone I was not proud of, regarding how I treated both myself and others. Neglecting this side of me fueled a dangerous fire of anger, withdrawal, and hate, things that I thankfully no longer align myself with. I’ve learned through this that those who love you will have uncomfortable conversations with you. Currently, I am working toward being more open about my grief, and I am lucky enough to have so many people in my life who listen to my stories, hug me when I cry and try to keep my moms memory alive. After almost 3 years, I am becoming a person I am proud of again.

I encourage everyone who’s experienced a major loss to sit in discomfort, as being uncomfortable is better than being disconnected. For the friends and family of those who have experienced loss, I encourage you to reach out to them and ask how their grief is today. Both grievers and non grievers alike, I encourage you to facilitate uncomfortable conversations for those you love.

Sabrina G., Villanova University

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