Katie A.
Photo provided by Nyla B.
Dear Reader,
Katie’s letter includes experiences of domestic violence, sexual assault, suicidal attempt, suicidal ideation, and an eating disorder. We advise those who may be triggered by these topics to exercise caution when reading this letter.
Sincerely, The IfYoureReadingThis Team
If you’re reading this, know that it’s okay not to feel okay.
Sometimes we can find ourselves going day by day while life throws another obstacle in our path. Maybe half the days we are fortunate to only have to experience one struggle at a time, but sometimes they pile up until we feel like we are drowning with no way out. Some days we wake up and for a moment can smile until we remember who we are, or what we are going through. At times it all gets so overwhelming that feeling okay does not feel okay, and we can’t brandish a smile, or pretend that it doesn’t hurt.
Growing up I never knew what a “normal” standard for a family was. When I was younger my mom stayed at home while my dad went to work. I know this is a normal family dynamic and my mom tried her best; to this day I know she loved me to the best of her ability. Like all parents, my dad loved my mom a lot, and he showed our family that when he proposed. I was about seven when my parents finally got married. It had been a struggle that they wanted to make work for me. I remember a few months later my mom was not home, and I did not understand why. I had never seen my dad cry until then.
Initially, as a kid, it took a bit for me to realize my mom had left my dad, as she began telling me stories of my dad cheating and abusing her, which got so bad to the point that she was asking me if I remembered instances that she claimed my dad had abused her and me, but none of them had ever occurred. My dad gained custody of me a short time after when he started to build a new family of his own, which was really hard because my mom was telling me how awful he was, combined with the shock of two younger siblings and a new “mother figure.” My mom’s boyfriend became abusive, and no matter what he did to his children, myself, or my mom, she couldn’t leave. This led to me getting a restraining order against him when I was only eight.
My mom went on to start a new family without me because I didn’t want to live with her. I felt abandoned and unwanted by the person I cared for most. She withdrew from my life and I couldn’t understand these feelings, and when I became a teenager I kept falling into a seemingly existential crisis that I wasn’t wanted and I didn't deserve to be. Resent toward my mother only turned into grief and a desire for attention to fill the places that felt empty.
When I moved to Pullman I lived in a large dorm room all alone, not knowing anyone around me. I saw college as a fresh start. However, with it being during the pandemic in the Fall of 2020 I felt very isolated with online classes and a nearly empty dorm hall. I found myself seeking attention and affirmation from others to gain a sense that I was wanted and belonged. As a result, I found myself going out on a very regular basis and resorting to unhealthy behaviors while dealing with this significant transition.
This led to me going out to random parties with groups of friends all over Pullman, including a Halloween party that I will probably never forget. The party ended up getting shut down and everyone left abruptly. I didn’t have my phone, so I went with someone I thought I could trust. This was another instance where I had too much to drink to think or function properly. The next thing I knew, one thing led to another, and it isn’t something I would let myself do if I had control. I remember asking him to stop several times because I didn’t want to do this anymore, and I started to feel sick to my stomach, but he wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t consent to what was happening. I don’t think he ever acknowledged how he could have hurt me. Sometimes it is hard to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault because I “decided” to put myself in this position.
I came to an acceptance that the only exception of someone wanting me was for my body. I felt used and ashamed for allowing this kind of thing to happen. Any compassion toward myself had faded away with my self-worth. I slipped into a depressive state and it was evident in my grades. I resorted to self-destruction. I needed help, but I didn’t want it. I started acting very harmful to myself and developed an eating disorder because I felt like no one could love me the way I was. I wanted to be wanted.
This experience entirely changed the way I saw my relationships with other people and amplified my pre-existing feelings surrounding abandonment. Even after I thought I had gotten over it, I realized how severely this impacted the way I value myself. Finding myself stuck in relationships, feeling like I was not enough to be treated and loved the way every human deserves.
I wish I could say that I don’t still feel this way and that I don’t let these feelings cause me to self-destruct in the same manner, but like a cycle I find myself returning to this pattern of allowing these thoughts of not being enough to influence the way I see and treat myself. With the overwhelming stress and disruptive feelings of a new transition in my life, as I graduate college and go on to law school, I have found myself struggling once again.
I didn’t understand mental health awareness far past when I needed to, but it has helped me understand myself and even my mom. Growing up with a parent who has mental health issues was hard on top of my own. Once I got older I learned that my mother had attempted suicide, but I understand now this was her way of trying to escape her own pain, and I can’t hold that against her no matter how much she hurt me. The resentment I had toward her only brought me pain.
If it weren’t for the compassion and support from friends and family, and the reflection of myself, I wouldn’t be writing this letter. It took a long time to understand that I can't change the way things happened, but moving on and finding love in myself without the affirmation of others was the only way I could ever be happy.
Once I started focusing more on loving myself than trying to be the person I thought people wanted, I saw myself grow significantly. I started doing better in school and got my GPA up by nearly an entire 1.0, and I have the opportunity to attend Gonzaga Law this fall. It would be a lie to say that this is an easy thing to do when it’s not. Finding love for myself has probably been one of the hardest challenges, but I know that it is the only way to genuinely find peace with myself and the past.
I have taken this opportunity of change to help other people and volunteer as a crisis counselor. I understand it can be hard to feel okay, but feeling not okay is okay. You just have to remember to treat yourself kindly and with compassion so that you can grow, and take the opportunity of overcoming your challenges as a way to contribute to the world and help someone else who might be needing it.
Katie A., Washington State University
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