Rosa M.
Photography by Caroline MacLaren
Please note: In this letter, there is discussion of an eating disorder. If you think you may find this content triggering, please consider reading one of the other letters of IfYoureReadingThis.org, or prepare to access any support systems or resources you find helpful.
If you’re reading this, know that you have nothing to be ashamed of.
For as long as I can remember, I have always had feelings of guilt and embarrassment for struggling with my mental health. I used to keep my family and friends at an arm's length away, never letting anyone close enough to be able to know something was wrong. The constant feeling of being a burden to those around me caused me to grow distant from those who I loved most. My mental health was at an all-time low and I was too ashamed to reach out and get help. I was struggling with severe anxiety and an eating disorder.
Having an occasional anxious thought or feeling is a normal part of life, but for me, it was much more than that. My body wasn’t healthily dealing with stress. It started affecting my school work, sports, and relationships until it crept its way into almost every aspect of my life. The uncontrollable overthinking, difficulty falling asleep because I couldn’t turn my brain off, the constant feeling of panic; it all started to take a toll on me.
My anxiety made me doubt everything about myself. Was I smart enough? Did I talk too much last night? Did I deserve to be here? Am I good enough? The list went on. It made me feel worthless and empty. The tightening in my chest and the panic attacks I was very frequently experiencing were exhausting.
It was when my mental health was at its lowest that I developed an eating disorder. I had felt so worthless and ashamed that I didn’t feel deserving of anything. What started with me skipping a few meals here and there because I felt like I would be better off, then progressed to me seeing how long I could go before the hunger was too unbearable. I was ashamed of what I was going through and didn’t want to get the help I needed out of embarrassment and guilt. I didn’t want people to worry about me. They had their own lives, stress, and issues to deal with and I didn’t want to add more to their plate. I felt like I was broken; like something was wrong with me. It took a long time and a lot of hard work to learn that my eating disorder and anxiety didn’t make me a burden to my friends and family. I was feeling so much guilt for having anxiety and an ED even though it was out of my control; I just couldn’t see that at the time.
Even now, I still find myself having days where these thoughts and feelings resurface. I wish I had heard someone tell me this when I was struggling, so I am saying it now for anyone who may need to hear it. Your mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not a burden to those around you and getting help doesn’t make you weak; it makes you strong. If you are struggling, in any way, know that it is not your fault and you did nothing to deserve it.
I wouldn’t be here if it weren't for my amazing friends and family who never gave up on me. My anxiety and my eating disorder made me feel like I wasn’t deserving of love. My friends helped me unlearn that, and I hope that this letter helps someone unlearn it too. My heart breaks for those who have gone through or are going through similar experiences because I know firsthand how completely and utterly exhausting it is. My anxiety and my ED took everything out of me, and at many points, I felt like there was nothing left of me to give. So if you’re reading this, please know that you are so loved and so incredibly worthy. Acknowledging that you need help is the strongest thing a person can do.
Rosa M., Villanova University
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