Nat B.

Photography by Joseph Bui

If you’re reading this, being exactly who you are is more than enough.

When I was little, my parents nicknamed me their “sunshine child.” From a young age, I’ve always been known for having a constant smile on my face and finding it easy to maintain a positive and easygoing disposition. I grew up the youngest of three girls, and in addition to being my family’s resident ray of sunshine, I was also known as the sweet, quiet one who took care of others and who always tried to “do the right thing.” I love my family and was honestly never really bothered by my “peace-keeper,” “good girl,” “unproblematic” role as a child. However, feeling the need to maintain this role and growing up in a family of very strong personalities has definitely affected me a lot throughout the later stages of my life.

I, unfortunately, went through a really bad series of friendships in elementary and middle school. I found myself in the middle of toxic friend group after toxic friend group, and I let a lot of my friends take advantage of me. I was very much a people-pleaser who never wanted to upset anyone, and I developed a lot of anxiety over what people thought of me. I remember there was one day in fifth grade when of my good friends was being really mean to me, and I decided to stand up to her on the playground. Afterward, none of my friends would talk to me for the rest of the day, and I pretty much spent the rest of the afternoon crying. By the time I got to eighth grade, my parents finally realized how miserable I was, and we collectively made the decision for me to switch schools. I was terrified at first; however, to this day, I still believe that it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

In high school, for what felt like the first time, I had friends who loved and supported me and who treated me with kindness. However, after being taken advantage of and abandoned so frequently throughout my friendships in elementary and middle school, I feared that if I were anything less than perfect in my friendships, I would be left behind like I had in the past. So, I apologized for anything I said or did that I felt was imperfect. I felt myself suppressing parts of my personality and rarely stated firm thoughts or opinions. I found it much easier to listen to my friends’ problems and emotions rather than expressing my own. I felt that if I didn’t keep up my sweet, happy, easygoing personality 100% of the time, I would be seen as “less than” and not worthy of people’s time.

I don’t think I’d realized how tall the walls I’d built had become until I got to college. I made good friends right off the bat and am so grateful for the absolutely amazing friendships I’ve now been able to develop throughout my time at Colby. Nonetheless, I definitely found it difficult to open up to people freshman and sophomore year. Much like most people during their underclassman years of college, I experienced my fair share of highs and lows. However, I found myself always feeling this need to be tough and felt like it was selfish to express how I was feeling and to lean on other people for support. I had become accustomed to the idea that the full version of myself wouldn’t be liked by other people and wasn’t good or special enough.

When I went home for quarantine, my anxiety came to a head for the first time in a long time. I felt extremely drained, insecure, and lonely and found myself back in therapy for the first time since my freshman year of high school. When I told my therapist how I was feeling, I definitely felt scared and even a little bit ashamed. But, while not immediate, over the past two years, I’ve slowly felt myself coming back into my own again.

 It’s been a long ongoing process, and I’m nowhere near close to being done. However, I’m slowly learning that while being a happy and positive person is a good thing, it’s ok to admit when I’m having a bad day or week. I’ve learned that true friends who are worth having in my life will support me and will stay by my side. Accepting love and support and allowing people to get to know me fully is still something that I still struggle with a lot. However, I’ve come a long way, and for that, I’m so gosh darn proud of myself. If there are three things I’ve learned over the past couple of years, they’re that 1) being my full, complete, true, and amazing self is more than special enough, 2) I’m worthy of the same kindness and love that I offer up so effortlessly to other people, and 3) having your own thoughts and opinions and leaning on others for support doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you human.

Nat B., Colby College

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