Alzen D.

Photography by Caroline MacLaren

 If you’re reading this, putting yourself first is not selfish.

I wish I could tell you that you can help everyone. I wish I could tell you that the person you’re worried about is okay. I wish I could tell you that putting others before yourself is healthy. 

But I can’t.

Have you ever been on a plane? If so, I am sure you can recall the in-flight announcement and demonstration of oxygen masks in the event of decompression and they always say “secure your mask first, and then assist the other person.”

This. This is a mentality you should keep in mind throughout your life. Not quite literally, but you get the idea. Let me take you through a time that I once completely forgot about because it was pushed to the back of my mind. I’ve found myself in a couple of “event(s) of decompression” and quite literally oxygen was getting thin for the people around me if you get the gist. In these times I did not put my mask on first. I helped others… I made sure they were able to breathe again and again and again until one day I realized that there was no more oxygen for me to breathe. I was suffocated with intrusive thoughts, pain, and fear. 

I could no longer recognize myself and could not see that I too was losing oxygen. I lost sight of those who loved me, the beauty in the world around me, and hope. My constant urge to help others before myself put my trauma, sadness, and anxiety on the backburner. Eventually, it caught up with me. It never occurred to me that I could be in their position but then it clicked and I realized why I was able to relate, converse, and truly understand what my friends were going through. 

Emotion left my body and I was a shell of a person that I once loved. Then I was engulfed with rage and hated myself for being selfish. I ignored all signs that I wasn’t okay until I found myself in a deep hole where I could not climb out of. It was then when I admitted to myself that I could not keep doing that to myself or else I would be in the same state again. I chose to seek help to save me, to help heal me, before I could go help others. 

In all honesty, I am nowhere close to patching up all my scars and being the me I used to love. However, I feel more confident in putting myself first and directing those around me to do the same. 

If you’re reading this, putting yourself first is not selfish… It's strong. 

Alzen Marie D., Villanova University

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