Lauren A.

Photography by Ally Szabo

If you’re reading this, know that your battles matter too. 

My entire life I have been the one people come to when they are down, when they need advice, or when they need a shoulder to cry on. There is no feeling I love more than being there for the ones I love, but the feeling I hate most is feeling like a burden to others. My entire life, I have thought my problems were too small to mention to others, as I believed other people were always going through worse.  

I was five when my mom was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. Since then, my view of the world has been to be kind to everyone, because you never know what they are going through. I held this standard for everyone I encounter in day-to-day life, everyone except myself.  

I am the first to criticize myself. Throughout high school, I would criticize everything, and it was how I pushed myself to the best of my abilities. If I got anything short of the highest grade, or best possible teacher comments on my report card, I had to do anything in my power to continue improving. If I was not the most involved or did not hold a leadership position in the organizations I was in, I was behind the curve. I wanted to be the best at everything, because otherwise I thought I was automatically the worst. 

 While this mindset worked in the short run, I did not notice how this toxic lifestyle truly impaired my self-esteem and perception of my own issues. 

 When I came into college, I was excited. Very few people I knew from high school were coming here to Villanova, and I felt like this was the perfect setting to become the best version of myself. I was excited to finally pick my classes and study what I wanted to. 

 That was until I took my first college exam, and I did awful. I had honestly never received a mark that low in my life. The day I got my grade back I sobbed for hours. I did not understand how I could have done so poorly, so I resorted back to my usual study habits. I pushed myself until I physically could not work anymore, and walking into the second exam I knew I would pass with flying colors. Except, I didn’t. I actually earned a lower score than the test before. 

 That night, I doubted if I should even be here at Villanova. I was so ashamed of my grade in this course. On top of that, I had just gotten news that I had been rejected from two clubs I really wanted to join, and I felt like everyone had these huge groups of amazing friends that they automatically clicked with. I felt like I had gone from being the happy, smart, involved, and confident Lauren from high school to the version of myself I had always feared. 

 During this time, I also felt like I could not talk to anyone about these feelings I was having, because it seemed like everyone else had already figured everything out. 

 Over the rest of my first semester of college, I struggled a lot. I found it hard to balance my course load with extracurriculars and a social life. I found that everyone would be going out on a Friday night, and I would either be doing homework or be in bed. The times I would go out, I would feel such anxiety about not spending that time doing work, or about how those I was with were thinking about and judging me at every given moment. I felt isolated in the sense that all my friends knew coming into college what they were going to major in, and the major I wanted to pursue was the class I had the worst grade in. I would get sick a lot, causing me to miss a lot of class. I did not know until much later that these illnesses were not just colds settling in, but my anxiety taking over and making my body physically ill. 

 Driving back to campus after winter break, all I wanted to do was ask my dad to turn around. To go back home. Throughout my first year on campus, I would call my parents frequently, begging them to let me come home, and would cry out asking to transfer to a different school instead of staying here at Villanova. I tried to stick out my major, but after a few weeks into the second semester, I knew it was not for me. I felt lost and did not know what to do. 

 My second semester of college, I joined different clubs than the first semester. I went to different meetings more frequently, and joined a sorority, where I met some of my best friends here on campus. I am so grateful I made the decision to attend these meetings and join this sorority, as it allowed me to find a community of individuals who I do not know if I would have met otherwise. During this time and through these organizations, I became more comfortable talking about my struggles. I realized that I was not the only person who was not sure what they wanted to study, and I am not the only person who felt lost after the first semester on campus. I discovered that while I thought I was alone, I was just looking in the wrong places. 

 Growth is not linear. There are still days when I want to get on the phone and ask my parents to come pick me up. There are still days where I doubt if I belong here on campus, and there are still tests that I might not get the grade I want on. However, something I have learned is that one test grade does not define me, and that when I am struggling it is okay to ask for help. Talking about my issues does not make me weak, it makes me stronger. So, if you are reading this, know that your battles matter too. No issue is ever too small to address, and there are people in every corner of life that are here to love and support you no matter what.

Lauren A., Villanova University

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