Emily B.
Photography by Julia Thompson
Dear Reader,
Emily’s letter includes her personal experiences of an eating disorder. We advise those who may be triggered by these topics to exercise caution when reading this letter.
Sincerely, The IfYoureReadingThis Team
If you’re reading this, you don’t have to hit rock bottom to deserve to ask for help. You deserve help simply because you are human.
Six years ago, I realized I had an unhealthy relationship with food and my body. I used to like to say that I didn’t have an eating disorder, that I just “practiced disordered eating.” I knew there were people who had worse relationships with food than I did, and I didn’t think I was “sick enough” to say anything.
From the outside, I appeared happy and healthy, but inside I was constantly battling myself, and I believed I had to battle alone. I would spend hours on TikTok comparing myself to impossible beauty standards. I would tell myself that every teenage girl wants to be skinny and there is nothing wrong with wishing I was thin. I would say I wasn’t hungry when my mom called for dinner. I starved myself because I did not think I was worthy of food, not if I wanted to be pretty.
This internal battle went on for years, and eventually, I wore myself down to a shell of a human.
The fall of my sophomore year was my peak on paper. It was my semester of a perfect GPA, a national club field hockey championship, a director position in my sorority, an award in my chemistry lab, and a full social calendar. At the same time, I was at my lowest weight, depressed, anxious, and overall miserable. I could not laugh without feeling exhausted or wake up without feeling dread. I loathed the vessel that kept me alive and could barely stand to be in my own skin. But I still didn’t think I was sick. I kept up my social life, my grades, my extracurriculars. Someone who was “sick” certainly couldn’t do all of that, right?
It took my parents visiting for me to have a true mental breakdown. I remember going out to dinner with them and refusing to eat, and eventually, they got me to confess to the true pain I had been feeling. I sobbed to them for hours, telling them I didn’t know who I was anymore. I told them I had no motivation in school or in life, and that I was constantly feeling like I would never be enough. I lost the bright, bubbly person I once was to my eating disorder, and I hated who I was now. With my parents' help, I finally accepted that I needed things to change, that I couldn’t live like this anymore. I started recovery, and it was truly the hardest thing I have ever done, but it was beyond worth it. Recovery for me was not about restoring my weight. It was about remembering myself and silencing the voice in my head telling me that I wasn’t good enough.
The funny thing is that I never lost who I was, it was just buried beneath self-hatred fueled by a brain that couldn’t possibly think straight without the proper nutrients it deserved.
Eating disorders occur at every weight and every shape. Eating disorders are mental illnesses that can create real physical disruptions, but just because your body may not change, it does not mean you are not “sick enough.” The vast majority of people with eating disorders are not underweight. Regardless of the way you look, your emotions, struggles, and pain are real and valid. You deserve to remember who you once were, and you deserve to recover. There is no threshold of pain you must cross to deserve support. Please do not wait until you think you are “sick enough.” You deserve to experience the freedom that comes with recovery.
If you are looking for help, consider utilizing these resources:
Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders Helpline: 1-(888) 375-7767
National Alliance for Eating Disorders Helpline: 1-866-662-1235
Text Crisis Line: text HOME to 741741
Emily B., University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at UNC on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to UNC students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
AUTHOR CONTACT
This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.
