Ellie Z.
Photography by Mason Schlopy
Dear Reader,
Ellie’s letter describes an experience with a mass shooting. We advise those who may be triggered by this topic to practice caution when reading this letter. If you are struggling, please reach out to one of the resources listed on our Resources Page.
Sincerely, The IfYoureReadingThis Syracuse Team
If you’re reading this, you do not deserve to struggle in silence.
My life, my community, and my perception of safety were changed forever when a mass shooting turned what was supposed to be a day of celebration into a nightmare.
On the Fourth of July 2022, a man committed a mass shooting in the 15th minute of my town's Independence Day parade which my family and myself attended. The incident left seven dead and forty-eight wounded. The act of terror hangs like a cloud above myself and my town, leaving its darkness covering not only the victims injured, but all of those touched by this instance of gun violence.
In the fall of 2022, as I arrived at Syracuse, I carried the trauma from that day with me. Safety, something I had taken for granted, had vanished from my life and was replaced by a constant state of fight or flight. Every loud noise, unexpected movement in a crowd, or mention of violence triggered me into panic because I was unequipped to properly assess the safety of the space around me. Silently battling a deep feeling of terror that my peers couldn't see, I began to struggle with PTSD. I felt alone in my suffering. Being so excited to start fresh on this beautiful university campus, I felt pain when the campus grounds became a minefield of danger in my mind. Despite the wonderful people I met and was surrounded by in my life, I still felt I was navigating Syracuse alone.
The silent struggles of my trauma became my constant companion, someone I learned to co-exist with over the years. I found it complicated to share the weight of what I was carrying because I felt no one could possibly understand the inner terror I felt. Navigating new relationships, joining Greek life, and balancing two degrees began to take a toll on me. As someone known to be extremely bubbly, smiley, and energetic, I did not want people to see me for the sadness of my mind, so I coped by pushing these feelings deep inside of me, but the invisible scars of that day still followed me everywhere. To class, to my dorm, to the dining hall. I wanted to feel normal again but the reality of gun violence in America made it hard to trust that the safety I used to feel could ever return.
Mass shootings do not need to be inevitable, yet they plague this country's schools, events, and streets. They have become an unacceptable, gruesome standard of American life leaving millions of people and hundreds of communities shattered in pieces. I am unfortunately one of the many people who has been forever changed by this violence. I understand that the feeling of safety should not be a privilege, it is a right, and it needs to be a given in the United States and the rest of the world. I have learned that safety is something we must fight with our voices and votes to reclaim.
I entered this new chapter of my life with a low hope of finding the feeling of safety I had felt before again. However, I found comfort in my new environment because of the beautiful relationships I forged here. While my friends may not all know of my troubles, their simple acts of kindness helped me find peace in moments of deep-rooted anxiety. The challenges I face no longer feel so lonely.
The Fourth of July will never be the same for me or my family. The scars of that day run deep within my bones but I keep hope in my heart that communities like mine can come together to work toward a future of safety, empathy, and understanding. At Syracuse, I’ve learned that healing comes from being seen, from kindness, and understanding. You never know what someone is going through, so be kind, be caring, and live freely.
Ellie Z., Syracuse University
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