Brynne W.
Photography by Caroline MacLaren
Please note: In this letter, there is mention of Self-Harm. If you think you may find this content triggering, please consider reading one of the other letters of IfYoureReadingThis.org, or prepare to access any support systems or resources you find helpful.
If you’re reading this, you are so much more than what you deem as your personal weakness.
I believe that my biggest weaknesses are my generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. Constantly battling both of these conditions, I self harm to channel my internal pain that I cannot healthily cope with. Time and time again, I look back on these moments when I chose to self harm and I am so angry with myself. I hate doing this and I hate feeling weak for resorting to this. So, I conceal my mental fatigue with a smile and a laugh to go throughout my day, putting on a strong front. However, the constant pain and exhaustion it takes to do this consumes my mind, so much so that behind closed doors I break down into a person I do not even recognize.
This gets to a point where I hate being alone with my thoughts. If I can “be happy” surrounded by others or distracted by quite literally anything that would do the trick, why will I ever be alone with my thoughts? I do not want to be defined by my struggles, they are not who I feel I truly am. I want to take over my mind and stop feeling this way, and everyday is a constant struggle trying to do this. I fight and fight to be seen as “that girl who smiles and loves life”, so as a lot of us do, I fake my way through it.
However, I have finally realized I can no longer deny the reality of my mental health. It took me getting to a point of breaking to realize it is okay to ask for help. It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to be vulnerable because admitting we cannot carry the weight of mental illness all on our own is not a weakness, but takes immense strength and helps us build a foundation to continually become stronger. It helps us work towards where we want to be and allows us to cope with our mental illness in a way that is healthy.
My story is just one of a million, but I promise regardless of your circumstances, you are more than your self-proclaimed weakness. Whatever you define this as, from a bad grade, to a loss, to a mental illness, you are so much more. My therapist says your struggles are a part of you, but they will not define you. So, I have reflected and realized that the strength I have built from these moments defines me. The friends and family who love me unconditionally define me. The various passions in my life define me. My dumb jokes and constant sarcasm define me. But my struggles will not define me because they are just a stepping stone in my story.
It’s so hard to admit that the journey of navigating my mental health has left me fatigued, distraught, and hopeless time and time again. I hate constantly pushing away people who I love deeply, believing in my head that I am undeserving of their love. However, the moment I allowed myself to be truly vulnerable with the people in my life and myself was the moment I got my fight back. It allowed me to find validation from within myself, not from others. It allowed me to look in the mirror and see value, see courage, and see strength I never knew I had.
It hasn’t been a steady uphill since I have gotten help, believe me. But now more than ever, I am willing to put in the work because I know I have so many people who love and care about me. And I know above all, I am so much more than my self-proclaimed weaknesses, and if you are reading this, so are you.
[Author Name], Villanova University
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