Abby J.
Photography by Ally Szabo
Please note: In this letter, there is discussion of suicidal ideation. If you think you may find this content triggering, please consider reading one of the other letters of IfYoureReadingThis.org, or prepare to access any support systems or resources you find helpful.
If you’re reading this, you deserve to feel wanted, loved, and worthy while owning your truths and embracing your struggles.
My whole life, I have been perceived as a happy, energetic, and outgoing kid. From the outside, my life appeared “normal.” I lived in a small town, where it seemed like everyone was the same. Everyone seemed to have a loving family and a solid group of friends. I seemed happy and appeared to have just this. I was involved in various sports, excelled in school, and had a strong group of friends. No one would have ever thought my life was far from normal.
On the inside, I was slowly crumbling. I was struggling inside, yet nobody would have known. School, sports, and my friends were my escape. They were the one thing that brought me insincere joy. I started and ended my day going home, fearing what would happen. My life was an emotional rollercoaster and I felt like nobody could relate to what I was going through.
I spent my whole life with a father who struggled with alcohol and drug abuse. I never knew what to expect and felt afraid of the future. Many people looked forward to going home to their families at the end of the day. Me? I feared it.
All a teenage girl wants in life is validation from friends and family. They are constantly changing and feeling uncomfortable in their own skin. On top of this, I would go home to my father and not know if he had just spent the past 3 hours chugging a handle of vodka. Would he want to hang out with me, or would he be drunk and careless? At times when I just wanted to hear that I mattered and that I was loved, I heard everything but that. I constantly felt that I wasn’t good enough or that what I was doing was wrong or could have been done better. I felt lonely, worthless, and defeated. What was the point? If I didn’t feel loved or wanted, did I really deserve to be alive? Did my friends actually care about me or were they just too scared to say anything to my face?
I may have appeared happy at school, but I often went back home feeling like a failure and like I didn’t matter. I felt like I was being fake. I was giving everything I could to appear like I was okay to my friends but would go back home to instantly break down. I was spiraling downhill. I was exhausted from trying to appear normal. I was embarrassed. No one seemed to have the struggles of living with an alcoholic that I did. I felt like no one could relate to me and to this day, I still feel this way. I often questioned, why me? What did I do to deserve this life?
The lows were low, and the twists and turns were sharp. I finally reached a point where I felt so alone. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be a part of this world. I laid there in the Emergency Room, contemplating my life. I feared what came next for me. I didn’t want to struggle through life anymore, so I contemplated death. I started to believe that it likely had less suffering than this life that I was living. At this time, I leaned on my mom, therapists, and exercise, which helped save me and recognize my worth. I am not defined by my anxiety or my depression.
My story is different. Just because it is different doesn’t make it any less beautiful or worthy of being shared. If I can help just one person recognize their worth, I would be able to consider myself a success. No one deserves to feel alone. No one deserves to feel like they have to hide their truth. I struggled alone for years because I wasn’t owning who I was. I may have been different. I may not have had a lot of people who could relate to my experience. But at the end of the day, this is what made me beautifully unique. I am strong. I am worthy. I am a work-in-progress. I couldn’t recognize this until I embraced my story. It may have been a crazy and unique ride for the past 20 years, but it has made me who I am today.
There is no easy way to say it. Feeling alone sucks. To this day, I still have moments when I feel alone and unloved. It’s painful and saddening. Discover what brings you joy and find the people who allow you to be the best version of yourself. With the support of your loved ones, you can rebuild your worth and value.
To those out there going through a hard time. You are truly not alone. You may feel alone, and that is okay. In fact, we live in a place where feeling alone in times of darkness has become normal. There are still many days when I do. But being alone isn’t always a bad place to be. It is a beautiful place to reflect and grow. Lean on your loved ones. They truly are there, even if you don’t believe it. Embrace the highs and the lows. They make you who you are. Don’t be afraid to speak out. You matter and you are worthy, regardless of what other people try to tell you. You are loved and you belong. You are here for a reason. You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone.
As a general reminder, you truly never know what someone is going through. I went through life appearing happy, but deep down I was struggling. I felt worthless. I was believing all the words that were being said to me at home. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be on this Earth.
Remember that you can’t judge a person on the outside because what is happening inside can be the complete opposite. You will never truly know someone else’s story. The world can be a scary place, but it is a lot more beautiful with you in it. You are unique and contribute more than you know.
If you’re reading this, you deserve to feel wanted, loved, and worthy while owning your truths and embracing your struggles.
Abby J., Villanova University
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