Aaron N.
Photography by Katie Fox
If you’re reading this, someone would be lucky to know you.
It doesn’t matter who you are, or why you are here. Those details could very well lead to someone liking you, though. Loving you even. What’s truly inevitable is that you are, without a doubt, worth being known, understood, and appreciated.
I feel lost a lot. Those are the good days, when all I have to feed my anxiety is feeling lost. But it often leads to a cascade of doubts. I’m questioning if there are people around me who really want to spend time with me, or that I’m not checking off all those qualities that allow me to fit in and be liked. The first semester of college definitely ignited that relentless uncertainty, with the wave of worries a new community and a new routine brought. Those worries began to feel parasitic. The social anxiety paralyzed me and good days disappeared under torrents of depressive ones.
Applying my attention in classes felt impossible. I couldn’t get out of my own head long enough to hear the professor. I couldn’t begin to entertain the idea of starting up a conversation without anxiety bringing my confidence crashing down. All I could ever attend to were the wrong questions I was berating myself with:
“What are you even doing here?”
“Are you actually going to try to meet someone today?”
“How long until the next panic attack?”
A year later, I can’t say I have completely quieted those types of thoughts. My anxiety will always be somewhere close by as I make steps in the right direction.
But I think my original mistake was tolerating that question: “What if people don’t like me?” It’s a ridiculous question. Of course, I still come back to it every so often despite declaring it ridiculous, so you’ll just have to trust in my authenticity on this one. Thanks.
It’s a ridiculous question for the usual reasons, both cliché and genuine, that people list off. The extent to which people like you doesn’t signify anything of your worth. Liking yourself is more important. Popularity only matters in the shaky plotlines of CW shows. All of these points ring true, but I think everyone has heard them before.
So, my advice is that we all use a different question: “Am I worth getting to know?” My answer to anyone who may ask that is an ecstatic yes.
You are worth it. You bring your own complex bundle of thoughts and interests and emotions to every conversation you join. Whatever doubts you have about yourself, everyone matches with their own about themselves. They don’t even begin to invalidate your worth. I can’t know the inner tribulations of those who read this, but I do know that everyone is fighting some kind of battle, no matter the size. You are not the feelings you may be grappling with; you are a human whose worth transcends anything you may think limits you.
Isolation can be tempting when the bad days become normal, but it really does hurt the chances of feeling more comfortable with yourself and your situation, in my opinion. Taking time for yourself is one thing, and an amazing thing, but embracing little chances of reaching out make a difference. You deserve those chances. Whether that means asking for help regarding mental health, from a professional or a friend, or starting a new conversation, you deserve that break.
Allow someone that chance to know you. There are countless things that “someone” can’t learn or appreciate from anyone else besides you. They would be lucky to discover your worth, to help you, for you to help them. I know I would feel lucky.
Aaron N., Wake Forest
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