Tulsi L.

Photography by Jackson Covert

If you're reading this, it's okay to feel defeated.

My name is Tulsi Ram Lohani, and perhaps the biggest battle of my life has been the desire to feel accepted and loved. As long as I can remember being in school, I can remember the struggle of wanting to be loved and accepted: whether it was by my peers, the communities I identify with, or even my friends and family at home. But coming to SMU as a first year this Fall presented a challenge to understand what it truly meant to feel “accepted.”

The word defeat is popularly synonymous with failure. In reality, being defeated is a state of mind where you have been so demoralized and overcome by adversity that you cannot overtake the battle ahead of you.

The world is craving a culture of change, and naively: I thought I could embody that sentiment without succumbing to the social pressure of college. Coming to SMU, I knew I would be saying “no” to a lot of social pressure to change who I was to "fit in," and frankly, that was terrifying. Others constantly question the values and morals I hold myself to, resulting in a disproportionate and skewed perception of how others see me in the actions I take part in or lack thereof. To be told, I give off “snitch energy” for upholding these values without even attempting to know who I truly am. Through joining the Student Senate and meeting new friends in the fall, I felt that I was healing my inner self and building the relationships I wanted for the first time in years. I didn't want to fight with people or the stereotypes this school had: but, rather, challenge the notion that there is a specific path to becoming a successful Mustang.

Slowly, as some of you may have faced, people show their true colors, and the kindness of your soul becomes the bitterness of your existence. People who I thought were my friends became transactional, dreams I had hoped for became the worst nightmares, and a voice so well-spoken became the quietest one in a room. I cried a lot because of how isolated I felt, and by the time I went home for winter break, I had reached a breaking point. I had no progress in my romantic life, and my friends seemingly drifted further away from me for no reason. I looked back in my rearview mirror on the boulevard and could only see a future dimmed by the unknown and fears of who I couldn't bring myself to become. During the break, I got COVID and reflected on my senior year of high school and the many regrets I held - the defeats I had encountered that I had yet to address. 

I realized that many of my decisions just a year ago had sacrificed my dignity and respect for a moment of euphoria: to feel accepted and loved. Moments that, in the long run, didn't matter but held consequences that I deal with every day. But then, I realized that this delayed acceptance of who I was was the consequence I had to bear at SMU. No wonder I was terrified and felt alone at SMU; I was scared I would repeat myself all over again. But why would I do that? Wasn't I a different person now than I was last year? Or had I lied to myself, hoping things would fall into place? Was I trying so hard to “win” when I was “losing” the very essence of who I am? Was I trying to recreate this euphoria here? But I realized that was the beauty of starting over again: in a new space with new people. With the aspiration to be a better version of myself than before coming to SMU, I realized that letting this desire of accepting defeat would push me to become better.

I also have to keep reminding myself (and here's a gentle reminder for you) that there will always be people I don't like. Likewise, others will feel the same way about me. I always wondered what I could do to prevent others from generalizing my future to the past stereotypes, attempting to develop a relationship instead of relying on my experiences with others. But there is absolutely nothing I can do: I've learned that is okay. I can’t hold others to share the same values as myself. Life will always be full of people we inherently don't like, but fearing them will only isolate you from those yet to come. After all, in a world where followers and likes have become so disproportionately valued over respect and integrity, why must the absence of a single like or follower define how others feel about me?

Accepting defeat and celebrating the victories allows you to redefine how you see the world and make reality of the person you have always dreamed of becoming is so liberating. It might have taken me a minute, lost friends, and shattered dreams to realize that my reality has yet to come, and I am at the precipice to embrace it. There are many more defeats in my way: I am a freshman, after all. But I've found myself prepared for them and the victories on the horizon. My experiences at SMU, the good and the bad, have already taught me the skills needed to win this battle. The battle of acceptance within myself and those who dare to step in the way of it. It is only a matter of time before I can sit back and celebrate my triumph over adversity. To love and accept me for who I am.

If you're reading this, it's okay to feel defeated and celebrate the victories that come along with it.

Tulsi L., Southern Methodist University

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