Erin H.
If you’re reading this, know that you're not alone.
My mental health has been a lifelong struggle for me. From fighting an eating disorder at the age of 8, to battling anxiety, depression, and OCD for over 15 years, I am no stranger to the feelings of hopelessness, isolation, and misery. Having spent most of my days in the depths of depression, I believed it was a flaw of mine and that things would always be this way.
To cope, I spent most of my life constantly trying to do more, be more, and achieve more. I would pull all-nighters to get straight-As, push myself to the limit physically to be the skinniest, and would pretend to “have it all together” just to fit in. I hoped these “accomplishments” would somehow make me content. Yet, it made me feel more alone and more depressed than ever. I looked around me and everyone seemed to be living their best lives, meanwhile, I was a mess. I constantly questioned “What is wrong with me?”
From 4th grade, I was in various forms of treatment before I reached a breaking point the summer before I started at Clemson. I planned to take my own life but luckily, I reached out and my family stepped in. I was hospitalized where I received intense treatment for 8 weeks. I then picked up and moved into my dorm at Clemson a week after I was discharged. Talk about a whirlwind! I got to Clemson feeling healthier than ever, but still struggled everyday as everyone seemed to be so much more put together than me.
It wasn’t until I met my best friends at Clemson that I realized everyone has their own battles, we all just hide it on different levels. People would tell me they would never have known I struggled with mental illness if I hadn’t told them. I realized that was precisely the reason I should be honest with others and reach out for help. I have come to learn that EVERYONE is struggling with something. When we share our struggles, we are able to connect with others, feel less alone and in turn, start to heal.
I wish I could say my mental health has been smooth sailing since my freshman year of college, but that’s not realistic. Part of having mental illness is that it is never fully ‘cured.’ It is chronic and thus, you must fight to manage and maintain your mental health. I had relapses in my depression and anxiety in college and especially after graduation, leading me back to the pit of despair I never wanted to return to. I have felt the extreme discouragement and hopelessness of trying a multitude of different treatment options with none seeming to work.
If you have been there, I can feel your pain on the deepest of levels. Yet again, I tried to cover up my pain with accomplishments, pretending to have it all together on the outside. I hid it from everyone but those closest to me. The problem with this is that no one could help me if I pretended everything was fine. I had to fight to be honest with myself and others, ask for help, and fight every instinct in me when the world felt that it was caving in.
If you struggle with mental health, you know that it is an everyday battle. Some days are easier than others, but you are never alone. You may not know what someone else is going through but I promise they have a weight they are carrying too. When we decide to open up and share our struggles instead of hiding behind the masks we wear, we find that we’re all not so different from each other. When we realize we’re all dealing with something, we can support each other and create a healthier environment where it is okay to not be okay.
If you’re reading this, know that whatever you are going through, I get it and I support you. I am here for you whatever you may need. College is hard, post-grad is hard, life is hard, but the world is a better place with you in it.
Erin H., Clemson University
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