Tom B.

Photography by Ally Szabo

If you're reading this, it’s ok to take that first step.

Throughout my life, I’ve spent so much time locked in my own head, trying my hardest to push the worst of it down so I can keep chugging along. They may say that ignorance is bliss, but by ignoring my own problems, they festered. Keeping it all to myself did not help me. The thoughts I repressed bubbled back up, boiling into thoughts and words that I did not mean and that I would regret deeply. Compassion and patience were replaced with envy – I regressed as a person, falling into complacency with myself rather than growing into my own.

The worst of it all would be the stress I put onto myself. Amidst all the emotions I refused to acknowledge and the shame I felt walking away from a conversation thinking, “Why did I say that?” was a growing feeling of inadequacy. I became a pariah in my own body, blaming myself for every little thing and creating a monster of my own self-image. I diminished myself to not be enough, to not be lovable, to not be worthwhile of anyone’s time.

But it’s not true. I know it isn’t. But it’s not easy. And that’s ok. 

As I write this, I’m going through one of the strangest moments in my life. I’ve gone through the full range of emotions the last month or so. Each and every day can be a battle in its own right – just to wake up, get out of bed, and convince yourself you will be okay. It isn’t easy to confront demons you’ve never talked about, or worse, those you simply don’t know how to. But it's even harder to go about your life ignoring the problems you are afraid to face.

So I’m here to tell you that it will be okay. Things do get better. But it won’t just happen on its own, and it can’t be done on your own. 

As I’m writing this, I’ve begun to take the steps I’ve needed to help myself. In doing so, I realized the monster I’ve created wasn’t me but instead was a reflection of the worst of my thoughts. I’ve recognized that rationalizing my thoughts and emotions is not enough. I cannot fix a run-down mind from within, and so I’ve begun finding help from others. I’ve reached back out to a support system I’ve convinced myself I wasn’t worthy of, and in doing so realized how wrong I really was all this time. I found help professionally, people who I can trust and build myself up with.  

For all the time I spent trying to rationalize myself, I made excuses for why I couldn’t take the next step to seek out help. I told myself I didn’t have the time, didn’t want to spend the money, or didn’t want to be a burden on others. Looking back now, it was foolish of me. All of it was just because I was afraid. I was afraid to confront my own issues, reflect on them, and face the issues that I had always found easier to repress. 

Only when you are honest with yourself in needing help can you find how much your mind has led you astray. All the hours spent overthinking was exactly that – overthinking. All the time spent convincing yourself you are worthless wanes as soon as you tell someone what you’re going through and you can feel the compassion in their words. You are greater than what your intrusive thoughts tell you. You are more valuable than what you think others think of you.

I have a lot of work to still do – it hasn’t been easy, and I am far from finished, but I know I will come out of it all stronger and better for it. I look forward to a better me that can be better to myself and to others. Growth isn’t a one-man job; it takes a village. It is ok to not be ok, and you should never feel sorry for needing help. 

You deserve to be happy.

You deserve to be loved.

You deserve to feel valuable.

Because you are. And there are people out there who want this for you and will help you along the way. Help them help you. You won’t regret it. 

Tom B., Villanova University

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