Teesa P.
Photography by Ally Szabo
If you’re reading this, it's okay to be alone. It is okay to spend time with yourself, no matter how difficult and isolating it may feel. That does not mean you are not valued, cared about, or loved. The experience of being alone gets better with time.
I am about to graduate college and have thought about writing this letter for almost my entire time at Villanova. Here it goes. I am writing this honestly to remind myself to embrace my times in solitude as positive, rather than allowing my struggles to isolate me further from my support systems. My experience with becoming comfortable being alone is not an easy one. As a natural extrovert, throughout my life, I have found comfort in being surrounded by groups of people at all times.
I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression for almost a decade now. As a young teenager, my family went through a traumatic period of time. I started developing panic attacks before I could even understand what they were as a result. To cope with this hardship, rather than telling anyone I kept all that was going on at home to myself. I dove into my friendships and activities to escape the trauma. I cared for my friends deeply as they brought me light even when they weren’t aware I was having such dark thoughts. I wanted to spend any chance I could get away from the trauma with the people and things that made me forget.
However, I never truly let anyone into what was going on in my life. I felt my friends would look at me differently. I pushed away romantic interests so that they would not get too close to knowing my trauma. I wanted people to form their own opinions rather than based on what I had gone through. I ignored my trauma and never allowed myself the time to process what I went through.
During the pandemic, I felt extremely depressed. Entering college where I could no longer surround myself with crowds of people at all times made me feel deeply insecure. I felt alone all the time. I struggled to find the right group of friends and wondered when I would feel I belonged. There were times when I wanted to quit school and return to those I relied on in high school. By the end of my freshman year, I became so depressed I contemplated suicide again. I decided it was time to seek help through the school’s counseling office until I found a permanent therapist.
Since my first year of college, I kept trying to confront my feelings of loneliness. My therapist encouraged me to try a new club and I found a group of like-minded friends that made me feel included. Covid began to die down. My life situation improved, and yet I still felt incredibly alone. I always thought when my situation at school got better my mental health problems would disappear. I was no longer in a traumatic home environment. Even though my life feels better now, there are still days when I feel alone. I get frustrated because I struggle to understand why I have worked so hard and still feel lonely at times. I isolate myself from my friends because I fear they will not understand and think I am complaining too much.
Through therapy, I have come to understand what makes me feel so lonely. Four years ago, I would have never told anyone about my diagnoses, and now I can openly speak to strangers about having anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I thank my friends and therapist for teaching me it is okay to share. I have grown to validate myself without needing the validation of others. I remind myself that mental health problems are still valid in times when life looks perfect on the outside.
My friends have helped me through some of my dark moments and it's okay to continue relying on those who want to help you. There is no limit to the amount you can rely on someone if they are truly your friend. My experiences do not need to be always shared in the company of others. My therapist reminds me that the negative thoughts in my head are not what others think when I am not around. Studying abroad, I traveled to Prague alone, conquering a deep fear of mine. I reflected on the strength it took to spend so much time in solitude and even made some local friends because no one is ever truly alone. A stranger could be a friend you haven’t met yet. I did not rely on someone else to do something I wanted to do, and I enjoyed pushing myself to be brave.
While I am still struggling with loneliness, I remind myself that it is okay to have those days. It is okay to continue asking for help from the people that love you and even if they are not around all the time, it does not mean that you are alone in life. You are not alone in your struggles. In the fall, I am moving to a new country without knowing anyone. I might feel alone there at times, and that is completely okay. I am brave in embracing my struggles to better understand who I am. For those graduating like myself, embrace what you will learn about yourself by going out into the world alone.
Teesa P., Villanova University
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