Talula B.
Photography by Jackson Covert
Before reading this letter, we'd like for you to know it discusses Talula B.'s experience with suicide. If you think that reading about this will be triggering for you, we encourage you to take a pause before reading this letter, center yourself, and prepare any resources you may need to access after reading it. If you'd rather not read this letter, we encourage you to read a letter on a different topic, such as Dana Q.'s or Anonymous's letter. If you're reading this, your feelings are valid.
If you’re reading this, you are in control of your happiness.
I never thought mental health could be our best friend and enemy simultaneously. My thoughts would torture me some days and heal me the next. However, the key that has helped me understand the mind is knowing that I am in control. I know it sounds simpler than it is, but I will tell you my story.
About a year ago, a close friend of mine committed suicide. Unfortunately, the end of his pain was the whistle that started the battle of mine. I was confused. I panicked, cried, complained, screamed, and lost control of my emotions. My thoughts were negative and all over the place, scaring me because I didn’t think this battle of endless worry and pain would leave my head. I didn’t believe I had control. The main thought in my mind was, “I am never going to see or hear him again for the rest of my life.” Note the words “never” and “going.”
When something traumatizing happens, our instinct is to worry ahead and think about ourselves. It was hard for me to change my perspective and learn, but after a few months, I finally did. Over time, instead of worrying or even thinking negatively about the death of my friend, I started to channel this harmful anger into a positive outlook.
I know; how can death be positive? It isn’t, but our attitude and mindset towards it can be.
Whenever he randomly popped up in my head, I used to cry. It could be a familiar song, place, or food related to him, and my emotions would quickly change, and they would always be sad. Understanding the concept of death is something humans will never fully truly comprehend - it is simply impossible. Grief is a mental challenge that many people face. However, suicide grief is slightly different. I realize my friend chose to end his life. Was it selfish? Yes. Did his mental pain and suffering end? Thankfully, yes.
Let’s look back at the words “never” and “going.” We are constantly thinking ahead all the time. The main change I have made during this grieving process: I stopped worrying about my future and started to live in the ‘now.’ The thought “I will never see him again” is true, but it is negatively unhealthy because I am worrying about something I can’t control- the future in a negative light. However, we can change this negativity into something like, “I am grateful for all of the memories he has given me.” Changing the word “going” to “am” is effective because my focus has changed from the future to the present. This mindset change can help you control your emotions and, most importantly, your happiness.
I would be lying if I said it is easy to move on. It’s not.
This tragedy has changed my life forever, but I am grateful for it. I now realize tomorrow is not promised. We can lose people we love at any second. However, it has taught me to appreciate: life, breathing, the smell of fresh air, the sounds of birds first thing in the morning, my ability to move, the beautiful sky, and breath-taking sunsets we are lucky enough to witness every single day. I could go on forever, but the main gift from my friend’s passing is motivation.
I now have this subtle voice in my head saying, “Never give up. Never say I can’t.” That’s what my friend did, but not me. I will achieve my dreams, and I will accomplish his dreams. I have to work even harder; I now have my dreams to work for and someone else’s. Life is tough. That is why we live, to challenge ourselves every single day. If you are reading this, life is a challenge, but we control it. You have the power to be happy.
Our minds push us to achieve incredible things; we just need to realize it. We need to believe it.
Tell yourself you will have a good day. Tell yourself you will lift that weight in the gym. Tell yourself you will get A’s in your exams. Once you gain this mindset, you will become unstoppable.
Talula B., Southern Methodist University
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